Thursday, September 30, 2010

Should You Speak Spanish to Your Waiter If You Don't Know that Much Spanish?

Spanish spoken in the United StatesImage via Wikipedia
As a fluent Spanish speaker and an American native, I often see American who don't know as much Spanish as I do take every possible opportunity to speak Spanish to people they meet from a Spanish speaking country, whether or not the opportunity is warranted or even invited. Here are some tips for Americans to avoid offending or looking like an arse.
1. When you have a waiter or food server who has an accent, don't speak Spanish to them: Even though it might seem like a good idea to go into Taco Bell and repeat over and over again in almost unintelligible Spanish, "Yo quiero un burrito." in a horrible American accent, it generally isn't. In fact, it's actually a good way to get your food spit in or dishwater poured in your drink. Ask yourself this question: does the server speak better English than you do Spanish? If the answer is yes, please shut your mouth. If the answer is honestly no, please still shut your mouth and find a person to translate.
But, if they come to the country, they should speak English, right? I mean, stupid (mutter something about a sick bird). . . why don't they speak English?
You try supporting a family on 6.75$ per hour and see how much time you have left to learn English. Besides, just because someone is Hispanic, speaks Spanish, or even speaks English with an accent and looks Hispanic doesn't mean that they're an illegal immigrant. As an example, one of my great friends in life is a man from Germany. He immigrated here with his family a number of years ago but never learned more than basic English. However, he's never had too many problems communicating with people, probably because he gets more respect for being German and white than a Hispanic does for being Mexican, etc. and olive colored. Don't ask me why things work this way -- they just do.
In summary, if you speak good enough Spanish that you can say things without bad grammar and a heavy gringo accent, go ahead and speak Spanish to whomever you wish. However, for your own pride, you might want to refrain from speaking Spanish when you don't know much Spanish. It makes you look like a dork.
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7 Secret Ways to Become a Millionaire

Organized Crime (Treat album)Image via Wikipedia
Here are the best seven ways that I could come up with to become a millionaire. If you have better ideas than these, feel free to write your own article.
1. Invest and save: Honestly, if you just can keep from spending your money long enough to save some of it away, you can probably become a millionaire eventually. The online savings calculators that I consulted said that, if you save as little as 200$ a month for 40 years and invest it at 11% interest (about the returns on the historical stock market when you dividend reinvest), you too could become a millionaire -- with a lot left over. However, the trick is to free up 200$ per month to invest. I get the impression that a lot of these eventual millionaires are lucky because they never lose their jobs or have sick kids. Well, good for them.
2. Turn to crime: One of the quickest ways to become a millionaire is (even though nobody admits it) a life of crime. Selling drugs, joining organized crime, and embezzlement can net you millions. However, this method does have the downside that you will probably spend large tracks of your life in prison (or worse) and have to give Bubba a sponge bath every night. If you ask me, the money isn't worth it.
3. Have a rich relative die and leave you a big inheritance: This is probably the most effortless way to become a millionaire. If your rich uncle or grandpa dies, you could be living the life on the beaches of Cancun in no time flat. However, there are drawbacks here too. First, your relative has to actually leave you a large inheritance -- as opposed to splitting it up evenly among you and your undeserving siblings or leaving it to charity. If you think that this might happen, one strategy is to wait until your relative has a terminal illness and then start making a point of visiting him or her in the months leading up to death. Remember -- people can be very impressionable and influenced to change a will easily when they're senile.
4. Marry a millionaire: This is another great way to become a millionaire, and it even has side "benefits" to boot. However, this method is also difficult. For one thing, you have to be the caliber of person that can actually land a millionaire spouse. For a girl, this means that you have to be a knockout and have personality. For the guy, it's a little easier -- women, especially spoiled ones, love a loser. However, this method comes with additional baggage. For a girl married to a millionaire, your husband is likely to cheat on you. For a guy, you're likely to be stuck with very demanding in laws that think you're not good enough for their daughter.
5. Get a high paying job: Using a job to advance your economic fortune is clearly the most traditional path to wealth. However, with this method, you'll usually be required to either work hard, work long hours, or have a lot of formal education -- all of which take time and effort. If you want to put yourself through the torture of a long and hard job or college just so that you can be millionaire, fine; but don't expect all of us to do that.
6. Sell your soul on Ebay: From what I've heard, the devil is paying top dollar for these things on Ebay. However, you should sell yours as quickly as possible -- there is a huge supply out there.
7. Write for Associated Content: I just had to include this one so that I could laugh a bit tonight (he he he). Okay, now that over with, let us reason together: to get 1 million from your AC articles, you would need to get 1/2 of a billion page views. Do any of you see that happening?
In conclusion, becoming a millionaire is more difficult that it seems, which is probably the reason why not everyone is a millionaire.
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Mormons Exposed: The Truth About Mormonism

Have you ever wondered what those "Mormons" are all about in life? Do you see their missionaries walking down the street, knocking on doors, trying to get people to read their "Book of Mormon"? Here, I try to answer some questions about Mormonism to explain what drives this movement.
Who are the Mormons?
A: They are a religious group, based in Salt Lake City, Utah, United States. They have a following of approximately 14 million worldwide, and that number grows by about 400,000 annually.
What do they believe?
A: Mormons, like most religions, believe in a lot of things. Specifically, they accept Jesus as their savior and believe in a father God to Jesus, referred to as "Heavenly Father".
Are the Mormons Christians?
A: As I said, they believe in Jesus and accept them as a God and savior. That makes them Christians in my book.
But don't they believe in a different Jesus?
A: I've heard this question a lot, and I'm not sure what it means. They believe in Jesus, and, as far as I know, there is only one Jesus out there.
What about this Book of Mormon that they have?
The Mormons believe that this book is another set of scriptures, like the Bible, that their first leader, Joseph Smith, had given to him by an angel called Moroni. They believe that this scripture talks about a group of people that used to live around the time of Christ somewhere in the Americas. They believe that the stories about these people were written down and that Smith translated these stories into the Book of Mormon that exists today.
Are they dangerous?
A: They can be pushy at times, but I think that they are hardly dangerous.
Are they a cult?
A: One man's cult is another mans religion, I say. Even though they have a few things in their religion that would be strange by some Christian standards, I don't think they eat kids or rape goats or anything as bizarre as that.
Do they have more than one wife?
A: They used to, but they stopped doing that a hundred years ago or so.
But, wouldn't it be cool to have lots of wives?
A: It's hard for me to say. The closest I've ever come is that I used to date two girls at the same time, and that was more annoying than anything. If being married to a bunch of women is anything like that, probably not.
Hey, I thought that you were going to "give the goods" on the Mormons? Are they dangerous, brainwashed, weird, or what?
A: I really don't think that there is anything wrong with Mormons. Dangerous? Only if you're dating their daughters. Brainwashed? No more so than anyone else out there. Weird? Yeah. Or what? Or not.
So, that's the inside scoop on the Mormons. They're just another Christian faith. Nothing weird that I can see.
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Social Networks and Blog Promotion: Which Ones Work and Which Don't

19450025Image by jerandsar via Flickr
I have been using social networks now for about a year or so, and I have learned a lot of things: what works and what doesn't. Being that it's 2:30am here and I can't fall asleep, I've decided to share my secrets with you, my esteemed readers.
Here are the networks that work well to attract traffic, in the approximate order of how many followers they attract. Also, a small explanation of why the work (or not) is included to the side.
1. Twitter: In my opinion, Twitter is the "gold standard" when it comes to attracting traffic to your website. In general, I count on a minimum of about 1 viewer per 1,000 followers per day, assuming that I update regularly. If you have more engaged followers than I do, you'll probably have more hits from them too. In any case, Twitter is a godsend for blogging. I actually get about 33-50% of all my daily traffic from Twitter, and I only have about 20,000 followers.
2. Facebook: The Facebook account that I have associated with my blog is relatively newer, but I'm still seeing good results from the initial trials. With only about 200 friends, I'm seeing about 2 hits per day originating from Facebook -- results even better than Twitter per capita. Of course, if you have friends and family on your blog Facebook page (as opposed to strangers), I would expect that you would see higher traffic from this. However, Facebook is still below Twitter in my estimation because it's much harder to add new followers -- meaning that even a lower rate of click through from Twitter will win in the end through sheer volume.
3. Digg/Reddit: It depends on which "camp" you're in here (team werewolf vs. team vampire guy anyone?) but both services are marginally successful in driving traffic to a blog. Both have problems, however. In the case of Reddit, they like to block users who submit a lot of articles to Reddit from a blog, and they are difficult to deal with in general. Also, the interface sucks rocks. For Digg, they have a much cleaner interface and are much more lenient on submission, but they send a lot less traffic to a blog per article submitted. I guess which one (or preferably both) of these sites you use depends on your approach to blogging. More articles -- Digg is better. Fewer, higher quality articles -- use Reddit.
4. Myspace: In theory, this dying giant of a social network site should send lots of hits to my blog -- in theory. In practice, my 1,000 plus followers have generated very few hits for my blog -- probably because many of them no longer use the service.
5. Stumbleupon: I have blogger friends that swear by this, but I've never seen a large number of hits coming from that site. For each article I submit, I can usually expect a maximum of five hits to my blog from that site, I think that the problem here is that they receive such a high volume of article submissions that most of your articles are never "stumbled upon" by the site's bots.
In summary, all social networks are good to some extent to drive traffic to your blog, but some are better than others.
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Wednesday, September 29, 2010

How to Get Lots of Followers on Twitter

Image representing Twitter as depicted in Crun...Image via CrunchBase
Twitter is a great medium for spamming people and spreading your message around the internet. However, some of your advertisement spam loses its effectiveness when you're only sending it out to five people, two of whom are Korean and don't know any English. So, here is the way to get more followers on Twitter, or pretty much any other social networking site.
1. Follow lots of people: For some reason, when you blindly follow people on a social networking site, about 1/4 to 1/2 of those people will follow you back. What this means is that the main way to get lots of followers on Twitter (or Digg, Facebook, Myspace, etc.) is to follow lots of people and wait for a return following. I wish that there was some secret that was trickier than this, but this is the main truth. Social networking sites know this, however; and they will often put blocks into their sites to limit the number of people you can follow to be no more than a certain percentage over the number that follow you. For example, Twitter limits this number to 10% -- meaning that, if you have 2000 followers, you can follow at most 2200 people. This leads me to my next point:
2. Use tools like Refollow and Twitter Karma to unfollow people who aren't following back: I know that for Twitter Refollow and Twitter Karma (Google search both to find the exact links) allow you to unfollow anyone who is not following you automatically. I'm not sure if these tools exist for other social media sites, but I'm not sure if these sites have the same following restrictions that Twitter has. In any case, both tools are very useful for getting tons of Twitter followers.
3. Promote your Twitter account on your blog, Facebook, etc.: If you already have a large following on a site like Facebook or your personal blog, you can stick a Twitter widget button on your page (again, Google search to find the address) to gain new followers. If you're only looking to increase your followers by a few dozen or a few hundred, this would be a good option for you. However, if you want followers in the thousands (which is very desirable on Twitter), this method will only take you so far.
4. Get your followers to give you shoutouts, retweets, and recommendations: Another good source to add a few dozen to hundred new followers is by having followers you know and trust give you shoutouts and recommendations to their followers. As with method 3, this can be tedious if you're looking to gain thousands of followers. However, if you're only looking for a few hundred, targeted followers, this method is as good as the three above.
Gaining Twitter followers is hard, but, with hard work and the tools mentioned above, it can be a smooth process.
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5 Reasons to Join a Cult

Alexander Kelly, Medal of Honor recipient. Thi...Image via Wikipedia
 What You Never Knew Before About Loving the Leader

Even if people around you (family, friends, police) say that cults are dangerous institutions and that you should stay far away from them, you know better than they do. In fact, joining a cult can be one of the most rewarding and life changing experiences that you could ever have, regardless of how much money you have to pay the leader or how many orgies you have to have with him (or her). Here are the top 5 reasons to join a cult:
1. Free food: Are you one of those food junkies who walks around town looking for a free eat? Well, you're in luck -- cults provide an endless source of free food to all who join. Of course, everything in the cult is "free" already -- mostly because "money" and being "paid" for your "work" is of the "devil". If you don't like that, the leader will make sure to put you into hell for your blasphemy.
2. Hot women: In a cult, you will find a never-ending source of naive girls and young women that are potential dating opportunities. Of course, all of the good ones have already had at least 3 kids courtesy of "the leader" -- and most of the rest are either married to his lieutenants or promised to the god Zeus. However, you could still find some easy picking among the leftovers -- like the fat girl with a small mustache. Remember -- facial hair makes a person look distinguished.
3. Lots of exercise: In cults, they don't believe in the sissy western lifestyle where member sit on their arses in front of a computer all day. They believe in hard work and discipline -- mostly while the leader makes out with his "spiritual wives" in the next room over. In any case, you can be assured that you will work so hard and in such high heat that the fat (and for that matter your skin) will melt right off.
4. Physical and emotional pain: If you're one of those weirdos that likes to get hit so that they can get excited sexually, you're in luck. A cult will provide literally dozens of opportunities per day for members to be hit, slapped, beaten, and possibly sexually assaulted by the cult organizers. For just the price of constant work and your first-born son, you can be spat upon and made to feel lower than Satan's toilet. Sounds like a great deal, huh?
5. Salvation from eternal hell: Of course, the ultimate benefit and the reason why cults exist is to save their members from an eternal hell. Remember: however badly you get hurt in the cult, God is going to kick your arse twice as hard when you get to heaven.
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How to Make Tons of Money with Associated Content

Paris HiltonImage by casasroger via Flickr
 Tired of working a 9-5 job just to feed your bratty kids, only to put hot dogs, raman noodles and spam on the table? Learn to make hundreds of dollars per week extra with Associated Content.

I often have people ask me (or theoretically would have them ask me, if I knew anyone who cared enough about it), "Josh, how do I make a truckload of money with Associated Content? I know this farmer's housewife who makes billions of dollars per month on AC, yet I still can't figure out how she does it." Well, my scarecrow-headed friend, you're in luck. Let me explain exactly how to make the most money possible on Associated Content.

1. Article Spam, Article Spam, Article Spam: Remember, you don't get paid if people read your article, like your articles, recommend your articles to others, or even find anything useful in your articles. You get paid if they clickon your articles. So, what do you do to ensure that people click on your articles more? Well, you could just write better articles (laughs anyone?). But, that takes time and effort. Instead, what you should do (and what most people on AC do) is to just write more articles. Write articles about everything: your clothes, your dog, your kids, how to pick a lock, video games you've never played before, your mom, and lots of other things that you have no expertise about. If someone calls you out on what you've written, just remember: you don't know that bozo. Even if your advice is nothing more than to go and read a book about the subject (i.e. the article on lock picking) or long citations courtesy of Wikipedia (about 1/2 of the other articles on AC), you still get paid. Remember, to paraphrase T.S. Elliot (or whoever -- for an AC article I'm too lazy to look it up), "Good writers borrow, great writers steal, and AC writers spit stolen articles from a fire hose").

2. Don't worry about grammar, punctuation, spelling, citations: Anything that slows you down in your article writing is generally not your friend. Remember: you need cash, not kudos. If someone wants correct grammar, they ain't gonna get it. If they want punctuation,,,, tell them - to * date; a friggin' English teacher. If they want spalling, well, to bed. Citations? Really, citations? You're the world expert in this field (for all they know) -- you can claim anything you want! If all else fails, just point to rumor and vague innuendo. If it an article about Japan, just remind everyone how the people there eat to much rice and wear samurai armor to work. If they disagree or try to cite "authority" to disprove you, what do they know? Besides, you get paid anyway.

3. If all else fails, just write nonsense: You really only have to write 300 words to keep "the man" at AC off your back. Remember, it's your article and you can write about what you want -- even if it's not what "the man" wants you to write the article about. "The man" can go write his own articles if he wants them written so badly.

I hope that this helped. If it did and you do make billions, give me half.
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Friday, September 24, 2010

The Best of Troll 2

Just because I've been on a kick lately about movies with bad acting in them, I've decided to share some more scenes from Trolls 2 -- one of the worst movies ever made.

One of the funniest things about this movie is that the word "trolls" is never even used ONCE during the whole movie. I guess that the guy in charge of the title should have actually watched the movie before naming it.

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Thursday, September 23, 2010

Compilation of Bad Acting

Do you like acting that is so bad that it just makes you laugh? Well, you're in luck: watch the following video to see six minutes of acting so bad you just have to watch it.

Still haven't had enough? Watch the scene from Trolls again.

Still haven't had enough, watch the "Oh God, oh man!" scene:

Still haven't had enough? Well, one more then -- this time from Keanu!

Hope you enjoyed the onscreen suffering of these poor souls :)

Monday, September 20, 2010

Man Uses Suction Gloves to Climb Aluminum Building

This is another incredible video with cool science from the BBC version of Mythbusters: Bang Goes The Theory. In this clip, the host uses a pair of "Spiderman" suction gloves to climb up the side of an aluminum building.

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Vortex Cannon vs. Houses from Three Little Pigs

How does a vortex cannon (a device that creates a shock wave of air moving at over 200 mph or 321 kph) perform against three houses made out of straw, sticks, and bricks from the "Three Little Pigs" fables? Watch the video to find out!

It's pretty incredible, if you ask me.

Cute Girl: Little Red Riding Hood
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Sunday, September 19, 2010

Funny Video - Dude You Have No Quran AUTOTUNE REMIX

I have to admit that the song is very catchy, even though I think that it was wrong of this guy to steal another guys personal property.

This video makes Katy Perry seem like a pile of puke in comparison.

Katy Perry Loves The Koran!

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Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Burning Korans vs. Drawing Muhammad - The Difference?

I had to share this video on my blog. It's a good followup to my last post about the hypocrisy of the American media over the Koran burning incident (and that of our closet Muslim president). In this video, the narrator ask the question of what the fundamental difference between the "Burn a Koran Day" on September 11 and the "Draw Muhammad Day" back in May was in terms of the first amendment. Watch the video below for the full explanation.

Can't figure out the difference between the two? Neither could I, other than the fact that the American media loves to make villains out of Christians (especially crazy looking ones with weird mustaches) while praising Atheists. It's one more example of the media's hypocrisy.

Pretty Muslim Girl: she's not waiting for the afterlife.

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Saturday, September 11, 2010

Koran Burning and American Media Hypocrisy

I just love when events like the upcoming Koran burning in Florida expose the hypocrisy of the American media. An event that would be a non-issue if it were the book of any other religion in the world has suddenly become a major event because some wacko decided to burn some copies of the Koran (or Qu'ran, etc.) Is this event really about how offensive this is to the Muslim world, or is simply a chance for the media to score points against fundamentalist Christians and cater to the Muslim world? I decided to do a little research on Youtube as to just how prevalent the burning of the holy books of different religions is. This is what I found.

1. Christian Bible: Not surprisingly, lots of videos of burning the Christian Bible exist on Youtube; and they don't seem to have generated much of a reaction from the media. Could it be that the media doesn't care as long as the beliefs being picked on are those of the Western world? I'll let you be the judge.

Burning the Bible: Okay on Youtube

2. American Flag: But, maybe this is only a discourtesy extended to religion. Surely, the outcry from the media would be much greater if people were burning the flags of the United States of America, the beacon of democracy and science for much of the world . . .  or not.

American Flag Burning Also Okay on Youtube

3. Book of Mormon: Maybe I've been looking in the wrong direction here. After all, both Americans and Christians hold a lot of power in the world, particularly in the United States. Perhaps if it was the holy book of a minor Christian sect, the Mormons perhaps, the outrage would be greater. I mean, after all, both Mormons and Muslims comprise a small minority of the population of the United States (~5 million or so). Both routinely have their beliefs misrepresented in public, are made pariahs by the public, and get blamed for things collectively that individuals in each group my privately oppose. Surely, a higher standard of scrutiny will exist if someone tries to burn the holy book of those poor Mormons. Eh, not so much.

Marilyn Manson Burns Book of Mormon: Where is The Outrage?

4. Burning Gross Stuff: My final idea was that maybe the media outrage was so great in this case because it was just nasty, kind of like burning old underwear of fecal matter. Unfortunately, my theory failed yet again. Both of those types of videos exist in abundance on Youtube.

Burning Underwear on Youtube

The video of burning poop wont load for some reason, but just search "burn poop" on Youtube.

5. Burning Koran: Finally, I come to the acme of the article. This is what I got when I searched "burning Koran" on Youtube. Notice anything absent -- like a pertinent search result?

Even though only the first three search terms are present, a video of an actual Koran burning is equally hard to find if you scroll down the first, second, or even third pages. Youtube: censor much?

I did finally manage to find a video of a Koran burning, which will be the final thing I include in my post. So, in summary, the media doesn't mind if people make fun of religion or culture -- as long as it's of the Western flavor.

Hot Muslim Chick (she's not saving herself for Allah in the afterlife):

Hot Muslim Chick: Allah Who?

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Thursday, September 9, 2010

Four Parodies of David After The Dentist

Ah, David After The Dentist -- the Youtube classic that features a high up 8 year old high on Novocaine. Who ever thought that a little boy could get so famous in life for being on a drug trip on camera? Apparently David's parents, that's who. But, of course, for every video that comes out like this on Youtube, 500 or so parodies are sure to follow. To save time for our esteemed readers, we here at Future Twit have selected out the funniest parodies from those ranks of videos to make David even funnier. Enjoy!

First, the originial (mildly funny):

Second, David After The Divorce (very funny):

Third, David After The Dentist Remix (catchy):

Fourth, David After The Drugs (funniest of all!!!):

We hope that you enjoyed those posts! Stay tuned for more funny videos that we pluck from the crap on Youtube.
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Sunday, September 5, 2010

5 Sexiest Videos from Benny Benassi

If you've never heard of Benny Bennassi (I hadn't until my wife introduced me to his music) don't worry: you probably won't forget him after today. Benny consistently makes some of the sexiest music videos that I've ever seen. Enough talk -- here are the five (IMHO) sexiest music videos that Benny has made, in descending order from least to most sexy:

5.  Every Single Day: There is just something very appealing about seeing a beautiful girl in a monokini dancing in some basement while holding a chain. It appeals to male fantasies on so many levels. The song is good too.

4. Hit My Heart: Looking at a beautiful woman in a bikini on a sandy, sunshine filled beach is something that most guys need to experience at least once in life, and this video is the next best thing. The beat is very catchy too.

3. Able To Love: I put this video in here specifically for the girls. I'm sure that there must be something appealing about seeing a bunch of guys in cutoff T-shirts sweeping a floor in time to a techno beat -- both because of the guys and because they wish that their husbands/boyfriends would try this a bit more often at home. This song is again very catchy.

2. Satisfaction: Who would have ever dreamed that seeing girls in really short shorts and crop tops using power tools could be so hot, yet somehow it is. Consequently, this is the first song I ever heard from Benny, and I loved the beat on it long before I ever saw the video. Of course, now that I've seen the video, I love the song even more.

1. Who's Your Daddy: This video is so sexy it makes Satisfaction look like it was made by a bunch of old women for a church choir by comparison. Warning guys: it will seriously mess with your . . . mind, so be careful when you watch it. The music isn't as good as some of the other songs above, but who really cares?

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Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Why Wikileaks Sucks

I decided to visit the site Wikileaks a few days ago when I was experiencing a moment of boredom mixed with burnout from work. For those of you that currently live on Mars or outside the United States, Wikileaks is the site that released over 100,000 documents about the United States' war effort in Afghanistan (and probably got a few informants who worked for the U.S. killed in the process).

After cruising around their site for a while, I discovered a document that I knew to contain some erroneous information. Without going into details, let me just say that I am affiliated with the organization in question and saw after five seconds that, while the document was purporting to be an "official document" of the organization in question, it was nothing more than someone's opinion who belonged to the organization, and a poorly formed opinion at that.

So, after searching for and not finding the button to sign up for an account so that I could join the 100 or so people who had already commented on the discussion for the document in denouncing it, I joined their chat session to ask for an account. After all, if the name of the site is "Wikileaks", I'm imagining that it should be similar to Wikipedia and I should be able to edit the site, right? No. After a conversation with one of their garrulous -- but not too helpful -- chat monkies, I was told that they had stopped allowing people to sign up for new accounts and that this would continue for the foreseeable future. Here is a screen shot of the conversation.

My session with a Wikileaks chat monkey

So, basically, Wikileaks publishes anything that they find damaging to an organization while the larger internet is unable to challenge the accuracy of the documents. It seems sucky to me.

Here is the result of a Google search for "hot Wikileaks girl" -- that Russian spy who just got kicked out:

Hot Russian Spy Girl

So, do you agree that Wikileaks sucks or am I being too harsh?
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