Saturday, May 30, 2009

Ashton Kutcher: Twitterholic

Ashton KutcherImage via Wikipedia
You all heard by now Ashton Kutcher's recent public declaration that he was done twittering if a new reality show centered around it came to fruition. I don't think it will be that easy for Ashton to quit. Like a smoker trying and failing to kick those cigarettes, he'll be back to get his twitter fix.

How do I know? Because a peek into the future reveals an abundance of future twitters from ol' Ashton. His TV and film career may be fading fast, but a lengthy twitting career is just starting.

Ashton Kutcher's twitter entry for May 30, 2012

1:30 am -- What up? I can't sleep, so here I am. Did U miss me? I'm sorry to say you will miss me even more. This is my last tweet. I'm giving it up. Because Demi told me -- er, um . . . I think it is the best course for our family.


1:37 -- @pcpbear, I told you I'm done tweeting! Leave me alone! Get a life you hoser! Stop looking through my window!!!

1:40 -- What do you mean you're not outside my window? Oh yeah? How do you know I'm not in Fullerton, too?

1:44 -- Damnit. I just tweeted. No more.

1:46 -- Damnit, I did it again. Last 1. I promise.

2:20 -- @pickledeels I told you I'm not tweeting or twitting any more. STOP PESTERING ME! And if you try to camp out on my front lawn again, I'll come after you. Bruce taught me how to do a mean John McClain impression.

Yippie Kay-yey Mother F*cker!

2:23 -- @ demicougar. Okay okay I'm coming back to bed.

2:29 -- @pcpbear Dude, she is not my mom! She's my wife. Stop telling me my mom is so hot! Demi is my wife. WIFE!!!

Damnit . . . another tweet.

3:45 -- I'm back. I can't help it. My hands are shaking. I can't stop tweeting. It gives me a rush like nothing else. Just one more and I'll quit.

Dude, when did my hands get so big? Wow . . . five fingers. One . . . Two . . .

3:53 -- Dude, where's my keys?

3:54 -- Dude, where's my car?

3:56 -- Which one of you dumbsh*ts stole my car?! I don't like you. NOBODY likes you. Give me back my CAR!

4:01 -- @ demicougar What do mean the car's in the driveway? I don't see ... wait. There it is. Changed colors on me for a sec. My bad.

Dude, there's a snowman in the kitchen. I could go for some ice cream.

4:02 -- or peanut butter cups

or a slim jim

or maybe a spicy slim jim

4:10 -- @uRcr8Z I told you I can quit anytime. I'm not a twitter addict. I am stopping to protect my family. All of you reading this are stalking us with your minds. I know you are. I just know it.

5:00 -- See I quit tweeting. I knew I could do it.
Shit! This is another TWEET!

7:12-- Demi tied me to the bed to keep me off the twitter. I was all set for a role-play, but she just left me there. I didn't stay there. I learned to chew through rope from the last time Bruce tied me up, dropped me off somewhere in Utah and told me to stay the f*ck out of Idaho.

11:30 -- My name is Ashton K. and I'm a recovering tweet-aholic. It's been over four hours since my last -

Dammit! I just tweeted again!

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Thursday, May 28, 2009

Mel's little ham-let

Mel GIBSONImage by startinghere71 via Flickr

You knew it was going to this. With the push to recognize gay marriage alive and well in Hollywood, it is only a matter of time before some kooky actor does their part to push the boundaries even further. Are you ready for the union between a man and his deli meats? Mel Gibson is -- as our twitter plucked from his future shows.

Just do us a favor Mel. Stay away from the Oscar Meyer processing plant.

Mel Gibson's twitter entry for June 29, 2011:

12:35 pm Following the push of the gay-rights movement and a slew of state supreme court decisions redefining marriage to apply to anyone “in love”, I've decided to marry the love of my life. It's not my wife, not the girlfriend I knocked up, and not even Joe Peshi, whos cigars I so lovingly stuffed in my ass during the filming of Lethal Weapon 2. It's my ham sandwich, which I have lovingly named S-Hammy. His brother, HS – al -ami, was unfortunately eaten about ten minutes ago. Death to the Arabs, eh? But S-Hammy is the love of my life, so tender, so beautiful, so fulfilling of my every desire. What more could a man ask for in life?

12:45 Called the county clerk to get a marriage license. B*tch laughed me off the phone! I thought about getting Perez to call her up and call her a c*nt and then blog about it, but then I decided that I would rather the can of dog food again from Mad Max than talk to that twit.

12:55 There is no justice for SH-ammy and me! Even the pastor of 15 minute marriage in Las Vegas said that he wouldn't perform the ceremony. I don't see why not. If a man and woman, man and man, woman and woman, or a woman and horse can get married, why can't I marry a sandwich? Is it so wrong to be in love with a sandwich? I was born this way. I didn't ask for this life. Why can't people just accept me the way I am.

1:35 I just got off the phone with the Bush-Cheney lawyers. They said that me marrying the sandwich was “a done deal” and that we just needed to whine to the Supreme court, the media, our moms, and fund multi-million dollar state ballot initiatives until everyone else gave in or ran out of money.

2:25 @BushCheneyLawyers We feel that you have the strongest civil rights case that we've handled since anti-proposition 8. Marrying a sandwich is a fundamental right of every human, as long as both parties consent.

3:00 Great news! Rosie O'Donnell is onboard. She's going to kick off Pres. Obama and his analysis of the war with North Korea to feature this story exclusively on her newly resurrected talk show.

3:15 @BigCheeksRosie Does your sandwich have a sister?

3:25 Found a gay ex-Catholic, dwarf, hairlip, Cuban refugee priest to perform the ceremony. He's also distantly related to Malcolm-X.

5:15 Just got back from shopping for a tuxedo. While I was out, I decided to take out some anti-Mormon T.V. Ads. They didn't actually oppose this yet, but, for good measure.

5:25 Called off wedding with sandwich. S-Hammy has aged a lot since we were first engaged. I feel that we've drifted apart. Also, the lettuce was really starting to look wilted, since I forgot to put SH-ammy in the fridge. So, washed SH-ammy down the garbage disposal. Goodbye SH-ammy! I will never find a love like yours again in this life.

7:15 Great news! My tennis rackets both proposed to me and I said yes! I love them both so much. We're planning a group wedding for the fall – somewhere in Spain.

She's available guys:

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Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Lance Armstrong: Miley's #1 Fan

Lance Armstrong is back in the saddle again for another shot at the Tour De France this year. But after he has tarnished his cycling legacy in Brett Favre-esque fashion, what will he be doing when next year's tour rolls around without him?

Judging by this twitter entry we pulled from the future, Lance will be watching a lot of Hannah Montana and scheming on how he can meet Miley Cyrus and rock the best of both her worlds . . .

Lance Armstrong's twitter entry for July 3, 2010
first year of Tour de France a.l. (after lance)

6:00 Nothing good on T.V. tonight and I'm sick of riding my bike around the block, so here I am on my twitter page. Win the “tour” too many times and they put you out to pasture. Ha ha ha! I just can't believe how funny I am! Seriously though, I need to find something (or “someone” maybe, huh?) to do around here.

6:15 Decided to make a milkshake. I would give you the recipe, but I don't really know what's in it myself. Mike (my lawyer) said it's better that way – the whole “lying to congress thing” that we all worry about from time to time . . .

6:45 I'm really bored, and Ashley isn't answering her phone, apparently. SICK OF THE LATE NIGHT BOOTY CALL, HUH ASHLEY? Truthfully, I can't even remember if it's her or the other one that I'm dating. They look so similar, and I'm pretty sure that I've gotten it with both of them before. I just remember feeling woozy one night . . . something about a “race of super soldiers”? It's a crazy world we live in.

Seriously though folks, have you ever wondered if a girl would have sex with a guy old enough to be her father (almost) just because he had millions of dollars and legs the size of tree trunks? I'm here to say yes, yes she would!

7:00 Cool! Hannah's on! I really never miss a show – I'm such a huge fan. Er . . . I mean . . . the story lines and acting are what I'm fans of. I mean, the problems that these girls go through in life I totally get what it's like to lead a double life – humble and underpaid athlete by day, Don Juan del Amor by night! I guess Hannah Montana and I have that in common. Seriously, we have so much in common! I'm so proud of the fine young lady that she's become! She's really grown up in front of the eyes of America, from humble beginnings as the underprivileged child of a millionaire singer to her blossoming as the underprivileged Disney channel star. It's almost like Slumdog. Almost.

7:10 Oh wow, Miley's a Sagittarius! I . . . just thought that was interesting. I . . . sometimes . . . randomly check out the signs of . . . random people . . . that I see on T.V. Oh look . . . Pauly Shore is an . . . Aquarius. That's equally interesting.

7:15 Just to clarify my last post, I'm really not into Pauly Shore. I mean, I think his movies were okay (Bio Dome kind of sucked) but, I respect him as an actor – nothing more! That's not to say that I'm into Miley either. I mean, she did look great in that Vanity Fair pic, and she's a funny, charming, full-of-life girl. Oh, Hanna is back on.

7:30 What I meant to say in that last post was that, when a friend showed me her picture, before I could look away, she looked very . . . artistic. I just wanted to give her a hug . . . as a father figure. That didn't come out quite right.

7:32 Alright, alright, I'll just admit it. I think Miley's sexy. I mean, what's wrong with that? She takes a very nice pic – not like that Carrie Prejean girl and her “man back”. And, besides, I can think a woman is sexy. It doesn't mean that I want to have sex with her. I can think anyone is sexy. I mean, I think that lots of women are sexy. For example . . . Judy Dench – very sexy woman. Yeah, very. I wouldn't date her – but someone should. I'M FRICKIN LANCE ARMSTRONG. I have like -2% body fat! Come on, which one would you make out with, Ashley (or whatever) Olson or an 85 year old woman? Still, I do have a broad range of girls I'm attracted to – Hillary Duff (kind of old but still hot), Megan Fox, Hayden Panettiere. I'll date anyone between the ages of 18 and . . . at least, like 24 or 25. I might even be talked into 26 or 27 (after a couple of drinks, lol!). Like Natalie Portman, yeah, I'd throw that, Vanessa Hudgens – probably, Dakota Fanning, why not!

7:40 That last one kind of slipped out. What I meant to say was I highly respect Dakota and I would like to work with her on any project. I – I couldn't do anything even if I wanted to anyway. It's . . . it's not like we're in Arkansas or anything. Yeah . . . I wonder if those rumors about Arkansas are true? Nah! At least, I'm sure they're not true. Probably, definitely, maybe not true. Nope.

Where's Mike's number again?

8:00 Well, yeah, just got the text back from Mike. Definitely NOT TRUE! So, we don't have to worry about that anymore! And here I was, worried for all the young hot Dakota Fannings there – worried that the Lance Armstrongs of the world . . . but we don't have to worry about that anymore. Now, if we were in Mexico, then we might have to worry about it. I mean, ANYTHING GOES down there! That's the rumor, anything . . .

Mike's going to earn his paycheck tonight . . .

8:30 Just heard back from Mike. No, it's not true there either. And, apparently, you can be “prosecuted” for things even if you're not in the U.S. at the time you do them. Who the F--- thought of that law? Not that I care or anything – just saying. I mean, there's ugly Betty down there. She's at least better than Sheryl “Crow-eyes”. I thought of that one myself!

9:00 WTF?! Phelps! Why are you trollin' my blog man? Just because I said your b* was ugly! Well, she is! Her breasts – mine are bigger than that, even after the implants! And, how many bottles of peroxide does she use a day, huh? And, I bet she has toe fungus! Yeah! Who's the one that got pwned this time, huh? How do you like me now, huh Phelps?

9:30 Just got through watching Sailor Moon, volumes 3 and 4. I really like the stories in Sailor Moon. I find the plots so suspenseful . . . and deep . . . and suspenseful . . .

Hey, I know what all my readers are thinking – it's not like that at all! It has nothing at all to do with whether Sailor Venus ends up with Tuxedo Mask or Starlight. I find that way more compelling than something like Schindler's List. When I watched volume 4, I literally cried. I really don't like Anime for all of the stereotypical reasons about teenage girl fetish and all that. When I first saw Sailor Moon, I was like, “Is this girl 40, or 55?” I didn't know. I don't really pay attention to things like that.

9:40 Reading online that there's a 5th volume out! Apparently, it was unrated in Japan – something about a scene between Mercury and Mars . . . not that I care . . .

Wow, I'm beat! OFF TO BED!!!

(video store closes at 10:00)

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Sunday, May 17, 2009

Perez Hilton strikes back

The FinalistsImage by ve®onica via Flickr
Perez Hilton's showdown with Miss California may be history, but that doesn't mean he is done tangling with beauty pageant contestants. The only problem: there's nowhere to go but down after his last cyberspace hissy fit directed at California's most famous beauty pageant contestant (currently, anyway).

We've looked into the future twitter entries and seen what happens when Hilton calls the shots -- and fires them -- at the Miss USA pageant.

Perez Hilton's twitter entries for Miss USA pageant April, 2011:

6:00 pm Well, everybody, I'm BACK! And, it's such a FABULOUS time for a beauty pageant! I just have to throw the word FABULOUS into everything because, well, that's what I am (duh). I don't care if I sound like a teenage girl (because I feel like one on the inside).

The “Don” has let me run the entire pageant this year. It took a little convincing on my part. All I had to do was whine about it a few (hundred) times (on T.V., the phone, my blog, email, work, on the street, in gay chat rooms, and to my Mom), stage some demonstrations outside of his penthouse suite, threaten mass boycotts, and make a few death threats, and he suddenly gave in! He even told me so last night when I called him up at 3:45 am and threatened death and a voodoo curse from a gay Haitian priest when he told me, “If I give in, will you leave me the hell alone?” When I said that I would he said, and I quote, “Do whatever the %&#! you want with the pageant then, you $#%!ing psychopath!” I have it all on tape to, which makes it legally binding in every court that I care about! So, now, this is MY pageant.

6:15 Before the pageant even started, I managed to eliminate 42 out of the 50 contestants from the contest. I started by eliminating anyone with a “Christian” name, anyone from the South, or anyone who gaged when presented with a picture of Rosie O'Donell in a bikini. Their mangled corpses are backstage. As for the rest, I'm going to conduct the full interview MYSELF! I'll keep a live twit of all the pageant transcripts so that the 97% of all Americans who are faggies too can help me in weeding out the remaining bigots and Christians in the group!

6:25 The interviews have begun. For these transcripts, I will refer to myself as “God,” or “G” for short. My thoughts are in italics.

G: So, Miss . . . Wisconsin is it?

Miss Wisconsin: (weakly) yes?

G: A . . . a . . . a . . . achooo (sneezing)

Miss Wisconsin: Oh, God bless you!

G: What? Disqualified!

Miss Wisconsin: But, but, I was only trying to . . .


Miss Wisconsin: But . . .

G: Taser her!

Miss Wisconsin (screaming as she's tasered) Oh God! Help me somebody, please!

G: God ?! She's a Christian! Hit her again!

Miss Wisconsin: (screaming) Help! Help!


Guard: Sir, she's stopped screaming. I think she's dead.

G: Dead, eh? Well, give her remains to Rosie O'Donell.

Rosie: I'm hungry AND HORNY!


Miss Oregon: I . . . I really didn't even want to be here. I'm just here because they said they'd pay for college.

G: College girl eh? KILL HER! NEXT!

Miss Wyoming: I think . . .

G: She thinks, and now she's DEAD! NEXT!

Miss Michigan, Connecticut, and New Jersey all running for their lives.

G: Kill 'em. NEXT!

G: Miss . . . North Dakota . . . HOW NICE! What do you do in life?

Miss North Dakota: I go to college at Pepperdine.

G: A Catholic. A CATHOLIC!@! Break her on the wheel!

G: How about you, Miss Hawaii?

Miss Hawaii: I go to BYU.


G: Okay, Miss Arizona. You've got one chance. Are you a lesbian?

Miss Arizona: No . . . I mean YES! I'M A BIG, FAT FART SUCKING LESBIAN!

G: I'm not convinced . . . Okay, I'll give you your choice. You can either kiss Ellen Degeneres, OR eat a piece of lesbian toenail donated by the Queer Hero's League.

Miss Arizona: shuddering Do, do I have to?

G: cocking gun You've got to the count of 3. 1. 2. . .

Miss Arizona swallowing the toenail Oh God forgive me! I mean, oh Rosie forgive me . . . I mean OH PEREZ FORGIVE ME!

G: Okay, you've convinced me. So, who do you find hotter, Ellen or the prison guard from Abu Grave?

Miss Arizona: Ellen?

G: I caught you! Every one knows that both are uglier than sin. Even lesbians don't like them. KILL HER!

Miss Arizona: You're a sick, little, fat man who picks on women and turned gay because no girls would go out with him in high school! Ahhhh!!!

6:45 Now that I've weeded out all of the nonlesbians and Christians, I have found the only remaining candidate, the one who has been staring me in the all night! ME!!! I am beautiful, the most beautiful woman in the world – I mean man.

7:15 I looked absolutely stunning in the swimsuit competition! I saw a couple of guys laughing and one guy barfing into a trash can (they're all dead now) but I'm sure that the rest of American appreciates my beauty!

7:45 My evening gown was just gorgeous! I looked stunning with all of my sequins, my turquoise, my gold jewelry. I just couldn't stop looking at myself in the mirror.

8:15 So much applause, so much praise – all for me!

8:45 I won! I won! I'm the queen of the world, and President Obama even presented my trophy and asked me out. Of course, I'm too gay to even go out with guys anymore. I'm only in love with myself!

11:45: My name is Bob the janitor. I found Perez asleep in the back of the storage closet. I guess he got drunk and fell asleep before the pageant started. I thought about waking him, but he looks way too peaceful – and drunk – to wake up. I think that I'll ask Steve for some help.

11:50 Steve and I decided to play some pranks on Paris while he's asleep. We though about farting in his face, but we decided that he would like it too much. Instead, we've decided to write WWJD on his head and take pictures! Then, we might put a Bible in his hands and pose him like he's reading it.

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Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Flu run amok

Symptoms of swine flu-esImage via Wikipedia
You think the swine flu has got everyone concerned in 2009? Well, just wait until 2010. Mid-term elections will be on the horizon then and we have delved into the future to discover that homeland security secretary Janet Napolitano will be posting us on the latest . . um . . . health crisis. You thought the Swine Flu was bad? Get ready for the Super Duper Swine Flu!

And the fact that its coming during election season? Just pure coincidence . . .

MAY 5th, 2010

10:00: At the request of Pres. Obama, I am live twitting today to keep all of the twits on the internet up to date on the latest threat to our American way of life! Last year, we dealt with the Swine Flu epidemic. This year, we are dealing with the latest and greatest epidemic – the SUPER DUPER SWINE FLU, also known as Rhinovirum 2 Derivatium 2, or R2-D2 for short. Already, we have one suspected case in Peoria, Illinois in a Mexican mother of two. And, folks, I do want to emphasize that this is a Mexican virus. M – E – X – I – C – A – N, just in case anyone wasn't paying attention. And yes, I am implying that this is all their fault, not Darwinian evolution or any kind of crap like that. M – E – X – I – C – A – N.

10:45 New is developing fast. It now appears that we have a second confirmed case, that of the 15 year old son of the Mexican woman. M – E – X – I – C – A – N. He too appears to be sick and stayed home from school with mild FLU LIKE SYMPTOMS! Serves him right for jumping across the border!

10:55: I've just gotten an update from my assistant. It appears that both the boy and his mother are citizens. Darn. And here I was, wanting to ship them to Guantanamo Bay with the rest of their Cuban-Mexican-Communist kind. M – E – X – I – C – A – N.

11:15: I've been asked by panicked American to publish a list of warning symptoms that may go along with this new virus. After consulting with our top scientists, it is hard to reach a consensus. Some of them feel that this illness is completely made up and we're just trying to scare people for economic gain. STUPID M – E – X – I – C – A – N SYPATHIZERS! They have now joined their kind in Cuba! The rest of them, seeing what happened to those who oppose us, have come up with the list of following symptoms.


Feeling Sick

Light Headedness




Acting Dopey


Being Bashful


Feeling Happy

Frequent Doctor Visits


Explosive Diharrea

Lack of Sex Drive

Too Much Sex Drive

Any Sex Drive at All

Driving in a Car

Falling Asleep on a Bus

Frequent Nose Picking



Tooth Decay

Having Fun at the Opera

Fear of Red Headed People

Rooting for Onions

Wallowing in Mud



Grunting to Attract Potential Mates

Anything Not Listed Above

If you have any of the above symptoms, if you feel sick but don't have any of the above symptoms, if you don't feel sick but do have the above symptoms, of if you don't feel sick and don't have any symptoms, YOU PROBABLY HAVE SUPER-DUPER SWINE FLU! Realistically, you have very little chance of recovery, so you should probably slit your wrists and be done with it. Go ahead. You know you want to. Just do it already.

12:00 Good news. Pres. Obama has just approved a new scanning system to detect the presence of swine flu. Plans are to install it by the end of 2015 in all airports, seaports, land bridges, rail stations, public arenas, immigrant homes, and on random street corners throughout the United States. It will cost 700 billion dollars to build and will likely cause America to lose 10,000+ jobs, well worth it for security, in my opinion. Some scientists have questioned the sanity of installing such a system for a mild illness that affects only a very small percent of the world's population. They say that we should focus on things like Malaria and AIDS that kill millions of people every year. Pshaw! Those diseases only kill poor people. Also, the ACLU has questioned the legality of subjecting Americans to randomized virus screenings and racially profiling Mexicans for most of the screenings. I say that Cuba is going to get a lot more house guests before the day is through!

1:00 Oh no! It's confirmed! Ther is now another case in the United States! A 16 year old friend of the 15 year old how lives across the street has also become ill with the new swine flu! This makes at least three known cases in the United States alone! Will the spread of this disease ever be halted?

1:30 In an effort to stop the spread of this new disease, which the World Health Organization is already calling a Pandemic, government buildings across the country are being set on fire. Citizens everywhere are ordered to take any potentially infectious items, including clothing, old food, furniture, pets, and small children, to the burning buildings for incineration. Also, nuclear strikes have been authorized against Russia and China to prevent the possible spread of the disease to those nations.

2:30 Well, it appears that the sicknesses in Illinois were, in fact, not swine flu but rather food poisoning from last nights lasagna. Both the mother and the 15 year old are feeling much better, even though 16 year old is still feeling mildly dizzy. Hopefully he'll die. Then we'd have something!

Economists predict that the rioting and looting that have already started from the new swine flue will take weeks to die down and cost the country 100 Billion dollars in damage and lost revenue. Still, it's a small price to pay for security.

Your nurse if you get sick:

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