Monday, June 15, 2009

President Obama meets the press


Ever notice how our President is adored by the media? Well, at least they do if he is a radical liberal like Barack Obama. One thing you should know about President Obama is that he likes a press corp that will eat out of the palm of his hand. Reporters who want to lob tough questions are free to go back through the door they came through. After all, our esteemed president did not go to a press conference to answer a bunch of questions.

What happens when one dares to ask him an "unapproved" question? Our future twitter of a Barack Obama press conference has the answer.

Future twitter coverage of a President Obama press conference for December 2, 2010:

@FirstBlackPres: Fellow citizens of this great nation, I am here today to bring a message of hope and freedom for tomorrow, and change . . . and hope . . . and, did I already mention change?

I will be happy to take your pre-approved questions now.

@MLKFan: Mr. President, obviously you are the first black president after centuries of hardship and toil on the part of African-Americans and other Americans of diverse pigmentation. The heartache, the suffering, the blood letting -- leading our nation from the oppressive foundations of oppressive slavery into the flowering bloom of an ever expanding light of reparations and . . .

@FirstBlackPres: Is there a question in there? No, seriously, I am keenly aware of the sufferings suffered by those who suffered before me. I am not a slave by birth nor by heritage. But my father was Kenyan and I came so close to spending a minute or two in a hut when I thought about visiting my paternal relatives. So, yes, I can not forget the injustices committed on our ancestors!

@Pressman1: Oh wow, he is so smart! If he would legalize gay marriage, I mean, I WOULD in a HEART BEAT . . . never mind.

@FirstBlackPres: Next question. Yes, you down front . . .


@Pressman2: Where will you be vacationing this Christmas?

@FirstBlackPres: Maui, of course. Next question.

@Pressman3: Why do the enemies of freedom hate you so much? Is anyone who disagrees with you a stupid, bigoted redneck?

@FirstBlackPres: Ha Ha. We all know the answer to that one. Next question.

@Pressman4: Where is your wife going shopping this afternoon?

@FirstBlackPres: How should I know? I have to read about it in People Magazine just like the rest of you. Next question.

@Pressman5: Should Americans believe in HOPE, or is this just too AUDACIOUS? Huh? Say it. You know you want to.

@FirstBlackPres: BUY MY BOOK. It has the answers you seek.

@Pressman1: I already bought seven copies!

@FirstBlackPres: I think I have time for one more question. Yes, you, seated in the back.

@LittleMac: I've got one for you, Mr. President. Well, a few if you don't mind answering.

@FirstBlackPres: Make it quick. I need to sign a bill to give $60 billion to purchase orphaned stem cells from Denmark.

@Pressman1: He is a God among men!


@LittleMac: Okay, first off partial birth abortion. According to your voting record, you were one of the biggest supporters of it while you were a state senator in Illinois. . .

@FirstBlackPres: Wait a minute, that's not the question you're supposed to . . .

@LittleMac: Let's not forget you ran as a bipartisan, yet a lot of your legislation so far has been a split vote straight down party lines.

@FirstBlackPres: Bipartisanship works best when my vision is shared . . .

@LittleMac: Also, your supporters made a point of criticizing Bush during your campaign for how much he spent. Yet, you spent almost a trillion dollars on the stimulus bill, and you've even managed to increase the deficit to more than it was under Bush.

@FirstBlackPres: How dare you ask these questions?

@LittleMac: The fact is that you get a free pass love fest from the media every time you do anything public, so no one calls you out on your record. Are these enough questions for you to answer, or should I continue?

@FirstBlackPres: I . . . I don't understand. I'm not supposed to hear any criticism from the press. What's happening?

@Pressman1: Get him! Get the traitor!

@Pressman2: Crucify him! Burn him at stake!

@Pressman3: Harvest his organs to sell to Green Peace. For every organ you harvest, they save another whale!

@FirstBlackPres: This press conference is at an end. A reminder that moving forward you must submit questions and reporters for pre-approval to my press secretary.

Now go get that dissident reporter . . .


Obama girl still loves you!
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Thursday, June 11, 2009

Oprah Winfrey: I have the Power!


No Oprah is not He-Man or She-Ra. (Although she might like to be. Who knows?) But she is one angry woman-beast after seeing Forbes push Angelina Jolie in its latest celebrity power rankings. Nobody ranks higher than Oprah! Nobody! And she'll make sure you don't forget it.

So what will the big O do to retake her throne from Brad's other half? Let's just say giving away cars and Angie's kids to her twitter followers aren't out of the question as this future twitter entry shows.

Oprah Winfrey's future twitter entry for June 8, 2010:

9:45 am -- HELLO LOYAL MINIONS!!!!! It is I Oprah. Repeat after me: Oprah is good, Oprah is great. We surrender our will as of this date.

10:10 -- Good news! The Central time zone has been renamed the Oprah time zone. We're still working on getting my name attached to Chicago.

10:15 -- @oprahlover69: what are you going to call it.

10:20 -- I'm thinking Oprah presents Chicago. Or Chicago: an Oprah City.

10:25 -- @Oprah-is-queen: brilliant.
@oprahlover69: marvelous.
@marrymeoprah: I love your ideas as much as I worship you.

10:30 -- @bigredlips: Nice try, Oprah. You still aren't more powerful than me. I have more power than you can possibly imagine.


10:45 -- REMOVE JOLIE AT ONCE!! Twitter is for Oprah and OPRAH ONLY!

11:30 -- I've got a special surprise for my twitter followers! You're all going home with a car today! You're getting a car! And you're getting a car! And you're getting a car! And you're getting a car!

11:40 -- @oprahlover69: who is giving us cars, oh great one?

High Noon -- Contact Barack. He is the GM of GM after all and he owes me a solid. I made the man what he is today!

12:20 -- @bigredlips: I have more twitter followers than you. And I just added another recruit to my growing army of children. This one is from Azerbaijan. HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!!

12:35 -- I have a new announcement. Everyone here today is going home with a BRAND NEW KID!!! You're getting a kid! And you're getting a kid! And you're getting a kid!

12:40 -- @Oprah-is-queen: Cool! Where are we getting these kids?

12:50 -- Ms. Jolie's house of course. Swarm and descend. She will feel the wrath of OPRAH NATION! I am Oprah, Ruler of Stedman and Queen of Chicago.

12:55 -- Watch my show today. We will be breaking down the latest issue of O Magazine and I will have an exclusive interview with the gorgeous cover model.

1:00 -- We will also be getting a field update from Jolie Baby Raid '10 via special correspondent Anderson Cooper.

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Monday, June 1, 2009

George Tiller, Satan's Pet

Dante and Virgil in HellImage via Wikipedia
Ah, George Tiller ... the infamous abortion doctor. Killer of unborn fetuses. His life was spent using scalpels, saws, nine-irons anvils and whatever else he could get his hands on to cull the herd of humanity. In other words, a real American hero. Just ask the liberal media.

So what is Tiller's reward in the afterlife? Let's just say he and Satan enjoy a "crappy" relationship. Or so a future twitter entry from the ghost of Tiller tells us. We didn't know the Twitter craze reached the depths of Hell, but I guess they are entering the digital age beyond this world too.

Read on. But skip dinner with ol' George if you know what's good for you.

Future twitter entry for George Tiller for June 6, 2015 (6/6/1+5=6)

12:30 pm Well, I'm back in the saddle again! My wife has already started dating some other guy, so I guess that makes me single too!

Satan has graciously allowed me to use his laptop and wireless internet connection during my lunch break today. Attempts to contact people through haunting, seances, and bad dream to the neighbors kid all failed, so I decided to try technology.

12:35 It's really not as bad here in hell as I thought it would be. I mean, there's the burning, the endless torture, and the fact that Satan shoves my face into a bucket of crap all day, every day, but then there is the personal aspect to it too. Satan and I really get along well. We always had a close working relationship, but, now that I'm dead, I've really gotten to know him on a personal level.

12:45 It looks like I've got an eligible female responding to my twits. I'll post the convo so that everyone can see.

@BabyRipper66 Hey, how's it going? A/S/L?

@SwollenMomma 28/F/CA. U?

@BabyRipper66 I'll leave that a mystery for the moment ;)

@SwollenMomma Okay, that's fine. I respect that. So, what do you do for a living?

@BabyRipper66 Back in the day, I would take baby fetuses and pop their heads out, crush their skull in, and then vaccum out the remains. Or, if I couldn't do that for some reason, I would tear off their arms and legs and then yank them out of the womb in small pieces.

@SwollenMomma What?!!!!!

@BabyRipper66 Sorry – dog ran across keyboard. I'm, a doctor.

@SwollenMomma Cool! Well, you probably wouldn't want to go out with me then. I'm 8 months and 3 weeks pregnant. I was married, and my husband walked out on me before either of us knew. Oh well, that's life. I'm going to the hospital for delivery later today.

@Today, huh? Well, that doesn't leave us much time. Come by my office as soon as you can. Damn this hell – no scalpels. Oh wait, I think Satan has a hacksaw that he keeps in back here. Now, if I can just figure out a way to get the babies head out . . . so I can start sawing.

@SwollenMomma You wanna do that to my baby? You're a sick pervert! $%!# off!

@BabyRipper66 Damn. It seemed like things were going so well.

@BigRedone Well, back to the bucket of crap George. I think that you're going to really enjoy this. I ate at that Mexican place I've been telling you about last night, and the aroma in that bucket right now is just exquisite! See if you can tell if I had the chicken or the pork.

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