Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Healthcare Future Twit Style

Our Moderator

@Moderator: Future Twits is proud to bring you the first ever online debate about national health care reform! We would like to thank our honored guests, all of whom took time out of their busy schedules to be present at this event.

@Moderator: Lets get started. Gentlemen, we have a crisis facing our nation. There are an estimated 60 million people living in the United States of America who currently have either no health insurance or inadequate health insurance. What can we as a nation do to help these people and end this crisis?

@BigBillO: I don't see that there is a “crisis” like everyone is claiming. I have health insurance, my friends have health insurance, everyone I associate with has health insurance – where is the problem here? Why can't these people just move to Canada, Mexico, or Russia or something.

@Moderator: Those countries because of . . . their health programs?

@BigBillO: No, mainly so that I'll have more spots to park my Bently when I go to the mall.

@Moderator: Bill, a bastion of compassion, as always. But, seriously, Bill # 2, you must have some ideas as well about how to fix this broken system.

@GodlessWonder: My answer is simple – just outlaw religion. Everything that is wrong with this world can be traced to religion. The energy crisis – religion. The AIDS epidemic – religion. World hunger – religion. The asteroid coming to hit our planet in 20 years – religion. My last boy friend breaking up with me – religion. It's all religion . . . religion . . . religion . . . religion . . .

@Moderator: Can someone hit his reset button?

@GodlessWonder: Religion . . . religion . . . relig--- ahhhh, lets go smoke a fat blunt!

@Moderator: That's . . . better, I guess. But, what about you, Rush? Surely, as the de facto voice of the Republican party, you must have some good ideas about how to fix health care.

@WideLoad: I think that we need to take America back to a much more simple time, away from the liberal agenda. The only people getting health care now are the terrorists and the welfare Octomoms. We need to take America back to the simpler times before greedy liberals taxed the poor, struggling drug companies to the edge of bankruptcy and forced them to stop making their delicious Vicodin, Lortab, Percocet, Demerol . . .

Um, I have to take a quick bathroom break – be right back!

@Moderator: I think we've lost Rush for the rest of the night, so we'll wrap up this debate by talking to Michael. So, what do we do to get ourselves out of this mess?

@Docudrama: Simple – we follow the example of our enlightened neighbors to the South, wonderful Cuba, and socialize the hell out of everything.

@Moderator: But, how shall I put this delicately, CUBA SUCKS ASS! Their country is horrible, and all of the Cubans want to leave and come here.

@Docudrama: Don't yell! Oh, great – you made Glenn cry now!

Kanye West: Superzero or Supervillian?

I be so bad

It has been a hard couple of weeks for Kanye West. After stealing the spotlight from Taylor Swift at an awards ceremony that few watched or cared about, West has been the subject of hatred and ridicule from no less than Mr. Obama himself. Future Twits looks into the future and reveals that things are about to get worse for West before they get better.

Future Twit for October 22, 2009

@KanyeEast It's been a hard couple of months since I stole the thunder of Taylor Swift at the MTV music awards. I have been shot, stabbed, hung by the neck until almost dead, burned, maimed, mocked, and called a jackass by the President of the United States (takes one to know one). Women scream when I approach, men vomit and
ask God to die, and little kids run up and kick me in the crotch.
I be pimpin'

I've changed my name to one that's much more incognito. I feel safer now.

@AngryWhiteWoman: Kanye, you are the devil incarnate! How dare you hurt that poor . . . what-her-face-country-singer-girl. You are what is wrong with America! People have died because of you!

Yeah, dat right

@KanyeEast: Oh no, they found me!

@AnnoyingLittleGirl: My doggy had a puppy, and that puppy died. When I asked mommy what happened to the puppy, she said that it died because it was sad because Kanye West was mean to Taylor Swift and made her cry. Mr. West, why did you kill my puppy?
In trainin'

@AngryWhiteMan: West, you are a sick man! If I weren't so fat from years of eating Burger King, I would kick your ass! As it stands, I'll have to try to cut you off in traffic instead.

@KanyeEast: Why do you people hate me? What did I do to you? Sure, I was a jerk at a contrived television award ceremony. But, so what? All it did was make that Swift girl famous (for a few weeks at least), made me relevant again, and made Obama shove his foot in his mouth (not the first time; not the last time).

Don't you people have better things to do with your lives than to hate celebrities you've never even met before (and aren't likely to meet either)?

@AngryWhiteWoman: You know, Mr. West, you're right. We should find better things to do with our time. Let's go attack that child molester, Michael Jackson!

@AngryWhiteMan: No wait! He's dead.

@AngryWhiteWoman: That's right. He's not a villian anymore – he's a hero! Lets go buy his albums and lots of useless memorabilia crap.

@AnnoyingLittleGirl: Mommy, mommy, can Michael Jackson touch me too?

@AngryWhiteWoman: No, but we'll go see if Keith Olbermann is home.

Give me sum suga!

Friday, September 11, 2009

Oscar Worthy Movie

DSC07068Image by christophe dayer via Flickr

After watching The Boy in Striped Pajamas, I've decided to make my own “Oscar Worthy” movie. I only need the following five things.

  1. Actors with a British accent

  2. Evil Nazis doing evil things

  3. A boy coming of age

  4. A father betraying a son's trust

  5. Dramatic music

If all of those things don't work, I might throw in a random hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold, some drug use, the first sexual experience of a small town girl, and random violence that is really a commentary on privileged, white society.

Lets make a movie :)

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