Friday, July 10, 2009

Apology To Tom Hanks


When our site wrote an opinion about Tom Hanks, we did so harshly. To express an opinion of him as a "dork", "faggot", "nancy boy", "loud-mouthed jerk", "scum sucking trailor trash", and "God-hating sodomite" were harsh. Especially harsh were our questions about his sexuality, morality, sanity, and gender neutrality. Also harsh were questions regarding the frequency of bed wetting on his part and whether his uncle ever touched him as a child. Finally, questions about borrowing makeup from Meg Ryan in several of the movies that he filmed with her were also harsh. We recognize this harshness. Were we to write the piece again, we would use less harsh words, including "gay" instead of "fag" and "assertive, vocally-challenged human with passive-agressive tendencies" in the place of "loud-mouthed jerk". Tom Hanks, we thank you for your understanding.


Sunday, July 5, 2009

Michael Jackson: The Obsession Continues


Unless you've been living under a rock since the end of May, you know the King of Pop died unexpectedly last week. The problem with the whole situation is the cult of celeb worship is out in full force. A creepy disturbed man-child is now being whitewashed into a world changing icon. That's Hollywood for you. :)

But if you think it will all die down soon, I've got news for you. The obsession has just begun. Our peak into some future twitter entries shows what the frenzied devotion will be like on the first anniversary of his death.

Future Twitter for Celebrity Tribute to Michael Jackson – 1 year anniversary

@FeelLikeAnSTD: Hi, I’m Madonna (as if I had to tell you) and we are doing an online tribute to Michael Jackson – one year later!

@PrettyBoyTimberlake: He was everything I ever wanted to be and still am!


@Orpah: And, he was black – which makes him an automatic winner with me!


@ChatModerator: But, aren’t we exaggerating the loss of Michael Jackson a little? I mean, he was a good singer/ dancer and all that, but he was also a sick, disturbed man in later life who didn’t father his own kids, changed himself into a white, zombie looking creature through plastic surgery, and built an million dollar ranch so he would have more opportunities to share his bed with little boys at night. Is the world really worse off without him?

@FeelLikeAnSTD: YES!!! He was such an inspiration to the world! I just couldn’t stop crying when I heard about him dying. On second though, maybe it was the syphilis infection that I have in my eyes right now.

@ChatModerator: Also, I find it hard to believe that anyone cares what you think, Madonna. You’re literally a wh*re so used up that she broke off a ten year marriage to cougar with a guy who could be her son – both in terms of age and failed abortion attempts from her 20’s.

@FeelLikeAnSTD: Well, if you’re talking about A-rod or any of his 25 friends and teammates, you’re wrong again. I haven’t dated him in months (weeks since the last orgy, but that doesn’t count). For your information, I’m dating the kid from Malcolm in the Middle.

@ChatModerator Frankie Munez?

@FeelsLikeAnSTD: No, the young one.


@ChatModerator: I see. How disturbing. As for you, Justin, can you just admit that you’re here because you used to date Janet?

@PrettyBoyTimberlake: Errrr, ummmmm, oops – just ripped a button on my shirt and my boob popped out. Be right back.

@ChatModerator: Oprah, can you just admit that you are here because Michael was black and you side with anyone black – even if they ate their own babies.

@ Oprah: Michael had so much more going for him than just being black. He had his music, his skin color, his black hair, his jive talk, his . . . did I say black hair?

@ChatModerator: Can you also all admit that you never liked Michael in life and are just jumping on the band wagon after death.

@Chorus (Hollywood): Television made us this way! Who are we to resist fate and the T.V. Gods?

@ChatModerator: You know, in a proper tragedy, we would all die. Wait, can’t I just shoot you all? By God, I can and should!

@Chorus (Hollywood): Run for your lives!


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