Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Sarah Palin: Last Brain Cell Lonely and Dying

Good Old Sarah Palin. Vaugely resembling a pinup girl 10 years past her prime, Sarah has just put out a new book -- Going Rouge. Unfortunately, all of wish that she would end up going somewhere, anywhere -- just not where we can hear you.

By the good gracious of goodness almighty, we at Future Twits have peeked into the future and captured several of Sarah's future Twitters. Enjoy.

Future Twitter for December 25, 2009

10:11 @TundraPrincess: Well, gee-golly-darn, isn't it good to be back on twitter like a mossy frog on a tree stump, don't-ya-know. I sure have a lot of time on my hands, now that I'm not the governor of the GREATEST STATE IN THE WORLD. Alaska was the cradle of civilization, and all of the important acheivements of the last 40 years all have their roots there. I read that in a magazine one time . . . or heard it or something. It's like the antenna ears on a television, don't-ya-know, with a piece of concise therapy running over the straight hills. (pssst: It's a very deep philisophical thought, the one I just gave).

10:18 @TundraPrincess: Oh darn! Bristol is at it again. She just drug home some new guy she's dating. She claims that the met online, but I'm pretty sure that's the same guy who hangs out in front of the liquor store all day.

10:34 @TundraPrincess: I just got through making the first martini of the day. One down, eight to go. I would drink less, but it helps to numb the pain of my husband's stares and the moments where he asks me what in the hell I'm talking about. If I knew, then I would probably tell him.

11:37 @TundraPrincess: Martini number four is gone. I wished that I looked hotter in my flight attendant outfit. I wished that I was smarter and could make it through an interview without stumbling over my words the whole time. I wish that those guys at Fox News would call me. When I was doing their shows, they all pretended to be my friends and that we could hang out and go bowling. The only one who ever remembered was Glenn Beck, and he was just making a booty call. The nerve, gee-golly-darn-it-all. Worse yet, when I accepted, he then wanted me to fly to New York to see him! Even after I accepted that, he claimed that he was gay and hung up the phone. It's the best date I've been on in 12 years.

@TundraPrincess: 2:37 My husband is home from work. He is back to his familiar spot in the corner doing his favorite activity: throwing a tennis ball off the wall and catching it, again and again, for six hours every night. He looks so happy, sitting there, staring, not moving anything except his right hand to throw the ball. Such concentration! The only time that he looks up is to show his affection. Every so often, he will look up, look at me, look at the gun hanging on the wall, look at me, make the pow sound, shake his head, and go back to throwing the tennis ball. What a hottie!

@Moderator: We're sorry to cut this interview short, but the last Sarah Palin brain cell has died, leaving her eqaul in intelligence to Dennis Miller. In other news, Bristol is dating a player for the New York Mets -- actually, it has been updated to the entire team.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Carrie Prejean: Woman of Many Talents

@Moderator: We here at Future Twits have an exclusive interview with Keith Olbermann and Carrie Prejean about the discovery of Carrie's sexy sex tape earlier this year.

@Moderator: Carrie, lets start out with you. You've admitted earlier this year that you made a sex tape for your boyfriend when you were a teenager. Does this seem to be keeping with the moral values that you publicly espoused during the beauty pageant?

@MissCalifornication: Um, I would answer that, but I really, really, have to go to the bathroom.

@Moderator: It's all that water you drank in the car, I guess.

@MissCalifornication: Yeah . . . something like that. I just need to . . . hey, does that laptop have a webcam?

@Moderator: Yes, I guess it does. I'm not sure why that's important though.

@MissCalifornication: Thanks! I'll be about 10 minutes.

@Moderator: Wait! My computer! Open the door!

@FatIdiot: With her gone, maybe we can talk about that tape! Have you see it? Good old "two fingered Girl Scout salute", eh?

@Moderator: First off Keith, I don't watch child porn and think anyone who does, including you if you saw the tape, is sick. Second, you're a misogynistic jerk, ESPECIALLY for your girl scout salute and all of the things that shows about what you think about women. Third, why do you care? It's a personal matter between her, God, and her boyfriend at the time. She did the same thing that probably 48 out of the other 49 contestants have done/will do, and I don't see anyone digging up their old boyfriends to look for sleaze. The only reason you or anyone else even found out about it is because she said something politically incorrect.

@FatIdiot: But, she's a HYPOCRITE. I mean, voicing her opinion about moral matters that way and then making a sex tape . . .

@Moderator: Listen, Dough Boy, everyone is a hypocrite when you come right down to it. Liberals love to throw that word around, but they are some of the biggest hypocrites of all. They talk about love and accepting people who live and think differently from you, yet when a public figure says something that they don't like, they try collectively to destroy that person. Sound like hypocrisy to me. Also, you've let so many of your own kind slide on personal morality, even after they made judgements about the personal morality of others (Letterman vs. Bristol Palin, for example), that I think you can let one of the opposition slide.

@FatIdiot: She wasn't that hot anyway.

@Moderator: Keith, let's face it, she's hotter than any girl you've ever been with that hasn't (probably) been with you because of your fame and money. You're fat, loud, obnoxious, and you always have a look on your face like you need to take a number two right this minute. Get over it.

@MissCalifornication: I'm done in there. Now, when you delete something off the hard drive on a computer, it's gone forever, isn't it?

@Moderator: Um . . . yeah, sure it is. Do you know what the recycling bin is?

@MissCalifornia: The what?

@Moderator: Yeah, just leave it on the table. I'll have Maxim . . . I mean the Geek Squad look at it to make sure everything is gone

(10,000$ here I come!!!)

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Keith Olbermann -- Worst Person on Television

Ah, Keith Olbermann. I hesitate to call him a prick (it's part of a man) or a douchebag (it has a good chance of being close to a woman), but I have to call him . . . something.

In any case, Future Twits has been honored with an exclusive interview from this faggy momma's boy. Enjoy.

@Moderator: We here at Future Twits are very privileged to have Keith Olbermann with us today in the studio.

@PhatSnob: I hate Bill-O

@Moderator: Hold on there, Slick! Let me start out by asking you a question. One of the staples of your program every week is a segment called “The Worst Person in the World” where you name different people that have done things that you disapprove of during that week and then post their picture and a short description of why you think that they're such a bad person, correct?

@PhatSnob: I hate Rush Limbaugh.

@Moderator: That's nice. Now, my question to you is this: you don't literally mean that these people are the “worst people in the world”, do you? I mean, if I was going to make a list of the three worst people in the world, I'm pretty sure that no one that you've ever mentioned in any of your segments would be on there. Even though I don't agree with all of the politics of people like Glenn Beck, Lou Dobbs, George Bush, etc., I still think that they're probably okay people in real life; and they certainly don't count as among the world's worst three people – probably not even in the top 100.

@PhatSnob: I hate Bush-wacker.

@Moderator: Right. Got that already. So . . . my list of world's worst people would include dictators like Kim Jong Il, Robert Mugabe, and Omar Hassan al-Bashir – all of whom have let millions of their own citizens starve to death for political reasons. After them, I might throw some ordinary criminals onto the list, like serial killers or child molesters. I might even be tempted to throw on a few people like Bernard Madoff, who stole billions and ruined thousands of people's lives. But, even there, I would feel a little bit inhibited because I don't know these people like God does.

@PhatSnob: God! That's another of the worlds worst people . . . if he existed, that is.

@Moderator: Uh huh. Let me ask you something, KO. Do you have brain damage by any chance? You seem very prone to outburst, and it's one of the classical signs of head trauma.

@PhatSnob: *sob It's true! I was at a gay parade, and I got my head stepped on by a big burly from Vermont.

@Moderator: Wait, how did you get your head stepped on . . . actually, don't answer that. I don't think that I want to know.

@Moderator: KO, don't you think your rhetoric might be a bit over the top though? Except for the small contingent of hard core lesbians that watch your show every night, I doubt that the the rest of the small audience that you have really appreciates that level of exaggeration – which might be the reason MSNBC is losing ground so quickly to Fox and CNN.

@PhatSnob: I hate everyone who has children, or loves Jesus, or . . .

@Moderator: You know what? I'm just going to put you out of your misery right now, KO. Someone get the phenobarbital and vodka!


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