Future Twit: 5 Reasons to Join a Cult

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

5 Reasons to Join a Cult

What You Never Knew Before About Loving the Leader

Even if people around you (family, friends, police) say that cults are dangerous institutions and that you should stay far away from them, you know better than they do. In fact, joining a cult can be one of the most rewarding and life changing experiences that you could ever have, regardless of how much money you have to pay the leader or how many orgies you have to have with him (or her). Here are the top 5 reasons to join a cult:
1. Free food: Are you one of those food junkies who walks around town looking for a free eat? Well, you're in luck -- cults provide an endless source of free food to all who join. Of course, everything in the cult is "free" already -- mostly because "money" and being "paid" for your "work" is of the "devil". If you don't like that, the leader will make sure to put you into hell for your blasphemy.
2. Hot women: In a cult, you will find a never-ending source of naive girls and young women that are potential dating opportunities. Of course, all of the good ones have already had at least 3 kids courtesy of "the leader" -- and most of the rest are either married to his lieutenants or promised to the god Zeus. However, you could still find some easy picking among the leftovers -- like the fat girl with a small mustache. Remember -- facial hair makes a person look distinguished.
3. Lots of exercise: In cults, they don't believe in the sissy western lifestyle where member sit on their arses in front of a computer all day. They believe in hard work and discipline -- mostly while the leader makes out with his "spiritual wives" in the next room over. In any case, you can be assured that you will work so hard and in such high heat that the fat (and for that matter your skin) will melt right off.
4. Physical and emotional pain: If you're one of those weirdos that likes to get hit so that they can get excited sexually, you're in luck. A cult will provide literally dozens of opportunities per day for members to be hit, slapped, beaten, and possibly sexually assaulted by the cult organizers. For just the price of constant work and your first-born son, you can be spat upon and made to feel lower than Satan's toilet. Sounds like a great deal, huh?
5. Salvation from eternal hell: Of course, the ultimate benefit and the reason why cults exist is to save their members from an eternal hell. Remember: however badly you get hurt in the cult, God is going to kick your arse twice as hard when you get to heaven.