Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Ann Coulter's Biography

Future Twits has peered into the future and found Ann Coulter working to ensure her place in "history"

10:10 @QueenOfDamned: I have contacted the History channel to come to my mansion and write my full biography: "Ann Coulter: I'm not Satan, a zombie, or a closet lesbian (I think)". Unfortunately, they couldn't be bothered, and so Ricardo from Telemundo is coming over.

10:20 @QueenOfDamned: Strike that, Telemundo is too high class for this project and they've been replaced by Teleritmo. 9 out of 10 Mexicans can't tell the difference.

11:00 @QueenOfDamned: Ricardo has arrived. I'll be tweeting out excerpts from my dictation so that my many, er, three followers can hear the exciting accounts in real time.

My first experience hating liberals came with a childhood crush that I had on the son of a hippie couple from my middle school, Kevin. I loved him, but he dumped me for another hippie named Rainbow -- even though I let him go to third base.

@QueenOfDamned: Are you getting that, Ricardo?

@BeanBurrito: Si, senor. Algo . . . algo . . . fajo con su tio Kevin, su papa, su hijo, ademas, ademas. Continue, please, senor.

However, I credit these rejections -- and a failed experiment in a cult -- with shaping me into the person I am: a bitter, obnoxious woman with a bad boob job and a deep seated hatred of everything not rich, white, and American.

@BeanBurrito: Algo, algo, Ella es una puta . . . una que fuma marijuana y crack y quiere que yo toce sus pechitos. Pero, tengo principios: no hombres.

@QueenofDamned: I'm sorry; Glen is here for my 2 o'clock and I have to finish shoving his face in that pile of used socks. Can you come back.

@BeanBurrito: Prefiero que me muera. Si, senor.

Some Coulter videos:

Another Natalie Portman

Friday, December 18, 2009

Liberals: Ideal Pets

We here at future twits have been watching the political world closely, and we have matched some of the prominent liberals with their ideal pets. Enjoy.

1. Michael Moore -- Panda Bear

Reason: Same Cheeks

2. Howard Dean -- Pit Viper

Reason: Same Eyes

3. Bill Maher -- Donkey

Reason: Same Nose

4. Nancy Pelosi -- Woodpecker

Reason: Same Cheekbones

5. Keith Olbermann -- Orangatang

Reason: Same expression

Thanks for reading to the end. Now, for your reward.

What we should all do to Muslims

Tell me what you think (about the hot girls, the liberal animal likeness, etc.) Thanks.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Some Animal Videos

As much fun as it is to write about Muslims or ugly, bisexual pop stars, we here at Future Twits enjoy a lighter entry at times. So, I've chosen to post some funny videos of animals. Enjoy.

1. Rush Limbaugh at Home

2. Cat Sees Picture of Lady Gaga

3. Cute Animals

4. Puppies

5. Whistling Puppy

I hope that those videos made you smile. If not, go to hell.

Lady Gaga -- Marilyn Manson's Gay Cousin

We here at Future Twits have observed, with astonishment (not!) Lady Gaga's announcement that she is in fact gay. What type of announcements do the future hold for this flamboyant and ugly pop star? Lets find out:

Lady Gaga Twitters for January 17, 2009

@Whalehumper: After my revelation to Barbra Walters that I am, in fact, bisexual -- and that Barbra was once my father before turning to the dark side -- I've decided to put everything hidden about my self out on the table.

1. The first time I made out with a guy in a car, he asked me to wear a bag over my face.

2. I am not a hermaphrodite, in the strictest sense. I actually glued a Jimmy Dean sausage to myself when I was eight and have left it there over the years, even despite the frequent rat attacks and awful smell.

3. My nose originally belonged to Michael Jackson and was glued in place to cover up damage from an earlier car accident. I hope no one noticed.

4. When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. Then he kidnapped me, hauled me to a Catholic church, and was shot by police while trying to stab me on the altar. Is this a sign, maybe?

5. With my videos, I can honestly say that people like my music. This is because no one, and I mean NO ONE, would watch my videos to see me. I make little children cry.

Normally, we put pictures of our article victims . . . er, subjects in the article. In this case, we thought it best if we went a different route.

Monday, December 14, 2009

My request to Wikipedia: Muhammad

I have been reading over the last few days (for lack of better things to do) the discussion around the photos of Muhammad on Wikipedia here. In case you don't know, it is against some kinds the Muslim religion for anyone (even non-Muslims) to have a drawing of Muhammad. So, following the spirit of these requests, I thought that I would make my own request to Wikipedia.

Please Remove All Photos Now!!!

Great Saheem,

Muhammad and his followers burning children

As you know, in Islam, pictures of Muhammad (piece of pizza be upon him) are forbidden. I respectfully request that you remove these pictures for the following reasons:

1 Muhammed (popbuh) was a man who never had his picture taken or portrait drawn. Many say this is because he wanted to prevent idolatry among his followers. Others say that he was concerned about his weight, especially his chubby cheeks. This is a lie from Satan, for all know that Allah revealed the principles of Atkins to Muhammad after the second burning of Mecca.

2. Islam is the religion of peace and its beliefs, like all other beliefs, should be respected. So, please, take down the pictures -- YOU JEWISH OR CHRISTIAN BASTARD!!!

3. I have a petition that was signed by all Muslim users of the internet that says, if these photos are not removed, they shall beat their wives to punish the editors of Wikipedia. But, you may say that many Muslims do not have a computer and do not use the internet. However, these Muslims shall beat their wives TWICE as hard to make up for this wickedness on your part. And, they shall marry their daughters to 60 year old men.

Please, Saheem, remove the page at once.


Saleem Ackmed Jaleel Hussein Taliban the 3rd

P.S. Here is a link to the original posting (which got reverted). Wikipedia sucks.

Also, here are a few pictures of Muhammad.

1. Muhammad covering up a fart

2. Muhammad marrying his niece

3. Muhammad and Muslims killing Jews (how little things change)

Sunday, December 13, 2009

My Analysis of Twitter

Oh, the wonderful unity that Twitter has brought to the world! Instead of sitting on the John and reading a magazine as the primitive man would, we can now sit on the John and twitter to the world, "Hey, everybody, I'm sitting on the John!"

In the future, I unfortunately see Twitter becoming a more and more integral part of our society. Why? Because you're all a bunch of nosy voyeurs, that's why! You are the problem! Can't you make it 30 minutes without an update about what your friend is eating for lunch, what show they are watching on T.V., or how bad the traffic is on the way home from work? Is your life really that empty?

If you still don't understand, perhaps these videos will help.

1. The Future of Twitter

2. Twitter Whores

3. A Night with Ann Coulter (not relevant, just funny)

4. Glen Beck (also pretty funny)

5. Miley Cyrus Twitter

One more (Bill Maher)

Well, you get the idea. If you don't, please die.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

A Couple of Funny Videos from Youtube

Now that my "linkbait" entry for horny, adolescent Asian boys is complete, I thought that I would make a more serious post: youtube videos!

1. Best Parody of Seth Macfarlane shows I've ever seen Here

2. New CIA Interrogation Techniques

3. Funny Insurgents

4. The History of Muhammad

5. A Muslim Dating Video

10 Really Hot Anime Girls

Because no one reads this blog, I have to stoop to putting pictures of anime girls in a post and then linking that on Gaia online. 15 year old geeky Asian boys of the world, enjoy!

10. Blue Hair Girl

9. Overdeveloped School Girl (also with blue hair)

8. 16 year old girl wearing a 5 year old girl's skirt

7. Another overdeveloped school girl

6. Girl with animal tail

5. Another really overdeveloped girl

4. Random girl with sword

3. Fat Anime Girl


2. Another 13 year old holding her lunchbox/briefcase/whatever with both hands in front of her.

(What is it about THIS pose that anime animators like so much?)

1. Sailor Moon

Bonus: How to Draw Your Very Own Anime

How To Draw Anime Girl 004 - The best free videos are right here

There it is: the world of Anime. Lots of girls with long hair, big eyes, and skirts that are six inches long.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Sarah Palin: Last Brain Cell Lonely and Dying

Good Old Sarah Palin. Vaugely resembling a pinup girl 10 years past her prime, Sarah has just put out a new book -- Going Rouge. Unfortunately, all of wish that she would end up going somewhere, anywhere -- just not where we can hear you.

By the good gracious of goodness almighty, we at Future Twits have peeked into the future and captured several of Sarah's future Twitters. Enjoy.

Future Twitter for December 25, 2009

10:11 @TundraPrincess: Well, gee-golly-darn, isn't it good to be back on twitter like a mossy frog on a tree stump, don't-ya-know. I sure have a lot of time on my hands, now that I'm not the governor of the GREATEST STATE IN THE WORLD. Alaska was the cradle of civilization, and all of the important acheivements of the last 40 years all have their roots there. I read that in a magazine one time . . . or heard it or something. It's like the antenna ears on a television, don't-ya-know, with a piece of concise therapy running over the straight hills. (pssst: It's a very deep philisophical thought, the one I just gave).

10:18 @TundraPrincess: Oh darn! Bristol is at it again. She just drug home some new guy she's dating. She claims that the met online, but I'm pretty sure that's the same guy who hangs out in front of the liquor store all day.

10:34 @TundraPrincess: I just got through making the first martini of the day. One down, eight to go. I would drink less, but it helps to numb the pain of my husband's stares and the moments where he asks me what in the hell I'm talking about. If I knew, then I would probably tell him.

11:37 @TundraPrincess: Martini number four is gone. I wished that I looked hotter in my flight attendant outfit. I wished that I was smarter and could make it through an interview without stumbling over my words the whole time. I wish that those guys at Fox News would call me. When I was doing their shows, they all pretended to be my friends and that we could hang out and go bowling. The only one who ever remembered was Glenn Beck, and he was just making a booty call. The nerve, gee-golly-darn-it-all. Worse yet, when I accepted, he then wanted me to fly to New York to see him! Even after I accepted that, he claimed that he was gay and hung up the phone. It's the best date I've been on in 12 years.

@TundraPrincess: 2:37 My husband is home from work. He is back to his familiar spot in the corner doing his favorite activity: throwing a tennis ball off the wall and catching it, again and again, for six hours every night. He looks so happy, sitting there, staring, not moving anything except his right hand to throw the ball. Such concentration! The only time that he looks up is to show his affection. Every so often, he will look up, look at me, look at the gun hanging on the wall, look at me, make the pow sound, shake his head, and go back to throwing the tennis ball. What a hottie!

@Moderator: We're sorry to cut this interview short, but the last Sarah Palin brain cell has died, leaving her eqaul in intelligence to Dennis Miller. In other news, Bristol is dating a player for the New York Mets -- actually, it has been updated to the entire team.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Carrie Prejean: Woman of Many Talents

@Moderator: We here at Future Twits have an exclusive interview with Keith Olbermann and Carrie Prejean about the discovery of Carrie's sexy sex tape earlier this year.

@Moderator: Carrie, lets start out with you. You've admitted earlier this year that you made a sex tape for your boyfriend when you were a teenager. Does this seem to be keeping with the moral values that you publicly espoused during the beauty pageant?

@MissCalifornication: Um, I would answer that, but I really, really, have to go to the bathroom.

@Moderator: It's all that water you drank in the car, I guess.

@MissCalifornication: Yeah . . . something like that. I just need to . . . hey, does that laptop have a webcam?

@Moderator: Yes, I guess it does. I'm not sure why that's important though.

@MissCalifornication: Thanks! I'll be about 10 minutes.

@Moderator: Wait! My computer! Open the door!

@FatIdiot: With her gone, maybe we can talk about that tape! Have you see it? Good old "two fingered Girl Scout salute", eh?

@Moderator: First off Keith, I don't watch child porn and think anyone who does, including you if you saw the tape, is sick. Second, you're a misogynistic jerk, ESPECIALLY for your girl scout salute and all of the things that shows about what you think about women. Third, why do you care? It's a personal matter between her, God, and her boyfriend at the time. She did the same thing that probably 48 out of the other 49 contestants have done/will do, and I don't see anyone digging up their old boyfriends to look for sleaze. The only reason you or anyone else even found out about it is because she said something politically incorrect.

@FatIdiot: But, she's a HYPOCRITE. I mean, voicing her opinion about moral matters that way and then making a sex tape . . .

@Moderator: Listen, Dough Boy, everyone is a hypocrite when you come right down to it. Liberals love to throw that word around, but they are some of the biggest hypocrites of all. They talk about love and accepting people who live and think differently from you, yet when a public figure says something that they don't like, they try collectively to destroy that person. Sound like hypocrisy to me. Also, you've let so many of your own kind slide on personal morality, even after they made judgements about the personal morality of others (Letterman vs. Bristol Palin, for example), that I think you can let one of the opposition slide.

@FatIdiot: She wasn't that hot anyway.

@Moderator: Keith, let's face it, she's hotter than any girl you've ever been with that hasn't (probably) been with you because of your fame and money. You're fat, loud, obnoxious, and you always have a look on your face like you need to take a number two right this minute. Get over it.

@MissCalifornication: I'm done in there. Now, when you delete something off the hard drive on a computer, it's gone forever, isn't it?

@Moderator: Um . . . yeah, sure it is. Do you know what the recycling bin is?

@MissCalifornia: The what?

@Moderator: Yeah, just leave it on the table. I'll have Maxim . . . I mean the Geek Squad look at it to make sure everything is gone

(10,000$ here I come!!!)


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