Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Flu run amok

Symptoms of swine flu-esImage via Wikipedia
You think the swine flu has got everyone concerned in 2009? Well, just wait until 2010. Mid-term elections will be on the horizon then and we have delved into the future to discover that homeland security secretary Janet Napolitano will be posting us on the latest . . um . . . health crisis. You thought the Swine Flu was bad? Get ready for the Super Duper Swine Flu!

And the fact that its coming during election season? Just pure coincidence . . .

MAY 5th, 2010

10:00: At the request of Pres. Obama, I am live twitting today to keep all of the twits on the internet up to date on the latest threat to our American way of life! Last year, we dealt with the Swine Flu epidemic. This year, we are dealing with the latest and greatest epidemic – the SUPER DUPER SWINE FLU, also known as Rhinovirum 2 Derivatium 2, or R2-D2 for short. Already, we have one suspected case in Peoria, Illinois in a Mexican mother of two. And, folks, I do want to emphasize that this is a Mexican virus. M – E – X – I – C – A – N, just in case anyone wasn't paying attention. And yes, I am implying that this is all their fault, not Darwinian evolution or any kind of crap like that. M – E – X – I – C – A – N.

10:45 New is developing fast. It now appears that we have a second confirmed case, that of the 15 year old son of the Mexican woman. M – E – X – I – C – A – N. He too appears to be sick and stayed home from school with mild FLU LIKE SYMPTOMS! Serves him right for jumping across the border!

10:55: I've just gotten an update from my assistant. It appears that both the boy and his mother are citizens. Darn. And here I was, wanting to ship them to Guantanamo Bay with the rest of their Cuban-Mexican-Communist kind. M – E – X – I – C – A – N.

11:15: I've been asked by panicked American to publish a list of warning symptoms that may go along with this new virus. After consulting with our top scientists, it is hard to reach a consensus. Some of them feel that this illness is completely made up and we're just trying to scare people for economic gain. STUPID M – E – X – I – C – A – N SYPATHIZERS! They have now joined their kind in Cuba! The rest of them, seeing what happened to those who oppose us, have come up with the list of following symptoms.


Feeling Sick

Light Headedness




Acting Dopey


Being Bashful


Feeling Happy

Frequent Doctor Visits


Explosive Diharrea

Lack of Sex Drive

Too Much Sex Drive

Any Sex Drive at All

Driving in a Car

Falling Asleep on a Bus

Frequent Nose Picking



Tooth Decay

Having Fun at the Opera

Fear of Red Headed People

Rooting for Onions

Wallowing in Mud



Grunting to Attract Potential Mates

Anything Not Listed Above

If you have any of the above symptoms, if you feel sick but don't have any of the above symptoms, if you don't feel sick but do have the above symptoms, of if you don't feel sick and don't have any symptoms, YOU PROBABLY HAVE SUPER-DUPER SWINE FLU! Realistically, you have very little chance of recovery, so you should probably slit your wrists and be done with it. Go ahead. You know you want to. Just do it already.

12:00 Good news. Pres. Obama has just approved a new scanning system to detect the presence of swine flu. Plans are to install it by the end of 2015 in all airports, seaports, land bridges, rail stations, public arenas, immigrant homes, and on random street corners throughout the United States. It will cost 700 billion dollars to build and will likely cause America to lose 10,000+ jobs, well worth it for security, in my opinion. Some scientists have questioned the sanity of installing such a system for a mild illness that affects only a very small percent of the world's population. They say that we should focus on things like Malaria and AIDS that kill millions of people every year. Pshaw! Those diseases only kill poor people. Also, the ACLU has questioned the legality of subjecting Americans to randomized virus screenings and racially profiling Mexicans for most of the screenings. I say that Cuba is going to get a lot more house guests before the day is through!

1:00 Oh no! It's confirmed! Ther is now another case in the United States! A 16 year old friend of the 15 year old how lives across the street has also become ill with the new swine flu! This makes at least three known cases in the United States alone! Will the spread of this disease ever be halted?

1:30 In an effort to stop the spread of this new disease, which the World Health Organization is already calling a Pandemic, government buildings across the country are being set on fire. Citizens everywhere are ordered to take any potentially infectious items, including clothing, old food, furniture, pets, and small children, to the burning buildings for incineration. Also, nuclear strikes have been authorized against Russia and China to prevent the possible spread of the disease to those nations.

2:30 Well, it appears that the sicknesses in Illinois were, in fact, not swine flu but rather food poisoning from last nights lasagna. Both the mother and the 15 year old are feeling much better, even though 16 year old is still feeling mildly dizzy. Hopefully he'll die. Then we'd have something!

Economists predict that the rioting and looting that have already started from the new swine flue will take weeks to die down and cost the country 100 Billion dollars in damage and lost revenue. Still, it's a small price to pay for security.

Your nurse if you get sick:

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