Thursday, May 28, 2009

Mel's little ham-let

Mel GIBSONImage by startinghere71 via Flickr

You knew it was going to this. With the push to recognize gay marriage alive and well in Hollywood, it is only a matter of time before some kooky actor does their part to push the boundaries even further. Are you ready for the union between a man and his deli meats? Mel Gibson is -- as our twitter plucked from his future shows.

Just do us a favor Mel. Stay away from the Oscar Meyer processing plant.

Mel Gibson's twitter entry for June 29, 2011:

12:35 pm Following the push of the gay-rights movement and a slew of state supreme court decisions redefining marriage to apply to anyone “in love”, I've decided to marry the love of my life. It's not my wife, not the girlfriend I knocked up, and not even Joe Peshi, whos cigars I so lovingly stuffed in my ass during the filming of Lethal Weapon 2. It's my ham sandwich, which I have lovingly named S-Hammy. His brother, HS – al -ami, was unfortunately eaten about ten minutes ago. Death to the Arabs, eh? But S-Hammy is the love of my life, so tender, so beautiful, so fulfilling of my every desire. What more could a man ask for in life?

12:45 Called the county clerk to get a marriage license. B*tch laughed me off the phone! I thought about getting Perez to call her up and call her a c*nt and then blog about it, but then I decided that I would rather the can of dog food again from Mad Max than talk to that twit.

12:55 There is no justice for SH-ammy and me! Even the pastor of 15 minute marriage in Las Vegas said that he wouldn't perform the ceremony. I don't see why not. If a man and woman, man and man, woman and woman, or a woman and horse can get married, why can't I marry a sandwich? Is it so wrong to be in love with a sandwich? I was born this way. I didn't ask for this life. Why can't people just accept me the way I am.

1:35 I just got off the phone with the Bush-Cheney lawyers. They said that me marrying the sandwich was “a done deal” and that we just needed to whine to the Supreme court, the media, our moms, and fund multi-million dollar state ballot initiatives until everyone else gave in or ran out of money.

2:25 @BushCheneyLawyers We feel that you have the strongest civil rights case that we've handled since anti-proposition 8. Marrying a sandwich is a fundamental right of every human, as long as both parties consent.

3:00 Great news! Rosie O'Donnell is onboard. She's going to kick off Pres. Obama and his analysis of the war with North Korea to feature this story exclusively on her newly resurrected talk show.

3:15 @BigCheeksRosie Does your sandwich have a sister?

3:25 Found a gay ex-Catholic, dwarf, hairlip, Cuban refugee priest to perform the ceremony. He's also distantly related to Malcolm-X.

5:15 Just got back from shopping for a tuxedo. While I was out, I decided to take out some anti-Mormon T.V. Ads. They didn't actually oppose this yet, but, for good measure.

5:25 Called off wedding with sandwich. S-Hammy has aged a lot since we were first engaged. I feel that we've drifted apart. Also, the lettuce was really starting to look wilted, since I forgot to put SH-ammy in the fridge. So, washed SH-ammy down the garbage disposal. Goodbye SH-ammy! I will never find a love like yours again in this life.

7:15 Great news! My tennis rackets both proposed to me and I said yes! I love them both so much. We're planning a group wedding for the fall – somewhere in Spain.

She's available guys:

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