Friday, April 17, 2009

Hulk Hogan: All about OJ

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA - NOVEMBER 18:  Hulk Hogan i...Image by Getty Images via @daylife
Is Hulkamania becoming OJmania? That's what his future twitter entry would seem to indicate. Of course, I wouldn't want to have lunch with him in this state. Ol' Hollywood Hogan seems to be surfacing in these moments, wanting to slice and dice innocent fruit and vegatables.

Perhaps he should just make like its Randy Savage and unleashed a patented Atomic Leg Drop instead.

Hulk Hogan's twitter entry for June 3, 2009:

12:30 pm Well, I'm just out on the road with my “peeps” today. I like to call them my peeps. Normally, this would be a limo driver, a fatty ride, my personal assistant, maybe some arm candy on each side, for the long ride home – if you know what I mean, huh, huh? But my ex-wife took the limo and the limo driver and ran over both of my pieces of arm candy. And, my personal assistant quit after she claimed that I tried to put GBH in her drink. WTF? I don't even know how to SPELL THAT! So, now I'm cruisin' with my Filipino boy, Agapito. Yep. He's my cabby. And Trevor here, he's a guy that wanted to split the cab with me. We're going to cruise for some chicks and take this town HULKY STYLE!!!

2:30 Just got though having lunch at the Crazy Burrito, the finest, cheapest Mexican restraunt on this side of town. I got the bean enchillada with pickle and prune sauce and a side of hard boiled eggs. This is going to be a really bad night for Brooke and her sexy friends. Really bad night. Sometimes, when I'm drunk, I like to walk in a room and fart and then walk out and watch people walk into the room after me. It gives me a kick to look at people's faces while they're choking and gagging on my gas. I've farted in shopping malls, supermarkets, catholic churches during confessional, and even a daycare or two. Best of all, if anyone tries to escape before I've had my fill, I put 'em in a headlock and make 'em smell my pits until the lights turn out.

My wife still has my credit cards, so I couldn't exactly pay for the meal. I offered to hit someone or cut my arm and let it bleed on the table to pay for lunch. The owner shook his head and said it was on the house. Man, he didn't know what he's missing. Anything that my blood hits sells on Ebay next day for like a thousand bucks.

2:50 Stopped to get some orange juice. Man, I've just been going crazy for OJ lately. Breakfast, lunch, dinner – all I think about is OJ, OJ, OJ. Everything about it – the taste, the ruby red color, the smell of fear in the air – just make me want it more and more. Those stupid oranges. I could just RIP into them with a KNIFE and TEAR out the juicy inner flesh and FEAST on the inner GORE that runs out! That tangerine wants to run around with my big mandarin, I'LL SHOW HIM WHEN I RIP HIS SKIN OFF AND SUCK OUT HIS JUICY BLOOD!!! OJ RULES.

Yeah, so, um, oranges are really cool . . and stuff.

3:30 Stopped by the lingerie store to pick out a new bathing suit for Brooke. 27 tries and I still haven't found the perfect one yet. I'll have to have her model this one tonight to see if I like it or not. I bought her some sunblock and tanning lotion. You can really never be too careful these days, what with skin cancer and all. Dads, make sure that your daughters put sunblock on every exposed inch of skin when they're out in the sun. DON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER. If they won't put it on, hold them down and put it on for them, no matter how long it takes and no matter where you have to rub. That's what real parents do.

4:30 I think he's finally passed out. This is Trevor. I've actually been the one writing the whole time here. He's already made me miss my business meeting. Hulk has been “under the sauce” the whole time, if you know what I mean. I've been just trying to put everything into something that resembles coherence and cut out all of the gross stuff, like when Hulk kept regurgitating and reswallowing pieces of his lunch or when he made us guess for 20 minutes what kind of underwear he's wearing (I just didn't think “none” was a valid answer). I don't think he knows how to read and write anyway, unless you count Action Comics and Hustler as reading material.

Well, a little more about me. My name is Trevor and I'm from Buffalo originally. I just broke up with my girlfriend of two years about six months ago, and I am so ready to move on. I don't know what I'm looking for in a relationship quite yet. I mean, I want something serious, but not too serious so I don't get hurt again. Maybe if I could find someone to meet with for coffee a couple of times a . . .

Wait. OMG. What is that? That is the worst . . . It's like a rat died and fell into the sewer and three weeks later its carcass was found in a suitcase full of old socks and rotten eggs. I have to get out of here!

Hulk, Hulk, what are you doing man? GET AWAY FROM ME WITH THAT ARM PIT!!!


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