Sunday, May 17, 2009

Perez Hilton strikes back

The FinalistsImage by ve®onica via Flickr
Perez Hilton's showdown with Miss California may be history, but that doesn't mean he is done tangling with beauty pageant contestants. The only problem: there's nowhere to go but down after his last cyberspace hissy fit directed at California's most famous beauty pageant contestant (currently, anyway).

We've looked into the future twitter entries and seen what happens when Hilton calls the shots -- and fires them -- at the Miss USA pageant.

Perez Hilton's twitter entries for Miss USA pageant April, 2011:

6:00 pm Well, everybody, I'm BACK! And, it's such a FABULOUS time for a beauty pageant! I just have to throw the word FABULOUS into everything because, well, that's what I am (duh). I don't care if I sound like a teenage girl (because I feel like one on the inside).

The “Don” has let me run the entire pageant this year. It took a little convincing on my part. All I had to do was whine about it a few (hundred) times (on T.V., the phone, my blog, email, work, on the street, in gay chat rooms, and to my Mom), stage some demonstrations outside of his penthouse suite, threaten mass boycotts, and make a few death threats, and he suddenly gave in! He even told me so last night when I called him up at 3:45 am and threatened death and a voodoo curse from a gay Haitian priest when he told me, “If I give in, will you leave me the hell alone?” When I said that I would he said, and I quote, “Do whatever the %&#! you want with the pageant then, you $#%!ing psychopath!” I have it all on tape to, which makes it legally binding in every court that I care about! So, now, this is MY pageant.

6:15 Before the pageant even started, I managed to eliminate 42 out of the 50 contestants from the contest. I started by eliminating anyone with a “Christian” name, anyone from the South, or anyone who gaged when presented with a picture of Rosie O'Donell in a bikini. Their mangled corpses are backstage. As for the rest, I'm going to conduct the full interview MYSELF! I'll keep a live twit of all the pageant transcripts so that the 97% of all Americans who are faggies too can help me in weeding out the remaining bigots and Christians in the group!

6:25 The interviews have begun. For these transcripts, I will refer to myself as “God,” or “G” for short. My thoughts are in italics.

G: So, Miss . . . Wisconsin is it?

Miss Wisconsin: (weakly) yes?

G: A . . . a . . . a . . . achooo (sneezing)

Miss Wisconsin: Oh, God bless you!

G: What? Disqualified!

Miss Wisconsin: But, but, I was only trying to . . .


Miss Wisconsin: But . . .

G: Taser her!

Miss Wisconsin (screaming as she's tasered) Oh God! Help me somebody, please!

G: God ?! She's a Christian! Hit her again!

Miss Wisconsin: (screaming) Help! Help!


Guard: Sir, she's stopped screaming. I think she's dead.

G: Dead, eh? Well, give her remains to Rosie O'Donell.

Rosie: I'm hungry AND HORNY!


Miss Oregon: I . . . I really didn't even want to be here. I'm just here because they said they'd pay for college.

G: College girl eh? KILL HER! NEXT!

Miss Wyoming: I think . . .

G: She thinks, and now she's DEAD! NEXT!

Miss Michigan, Connecticut, and New Jersey all running for their lives.

G: Kill 'em. NEXT!

G: Miss . . . North Dakota . . . HOW NICE! What do you do in life?

Miss North Dakota: I go to college at Pepperdine.

G: A Catholic. A CATHOLIC!@! Break her on the wheel!

G: How about you, Miss Hawaii?

Miss Hawaii: I go to BYU.


G: Okay, Miss Arizona. You've got one chance. Are you a lesbian?

Miss Arizona: No . . . I mean YES! I'M A BIG, FAT FART SUCKING LESBIAN!

G: I'm not convinced . . . Okay, I'll give you your choice. You can either kiss Ellen Degeneres, OR eat a piece of lesbian toenail donated by the Queer Hero's League.

Miss Arizona: shuddering Do, do I have to?

G: cocking gun You've got to the count of 3. 1. 2. . .

Miss Arizona swallowing the toenail Oh God forgive me! I mean, oh Rosie forgive me . . . I mean OH PEREZ FORGIVE ME!

G: Okay, you've convinced me. So, who do you find hotter, Ellen or the prison guard from Abu Grave?

Miss Arizona: Ellen?

G: I caught you! Every one knows that both are uglier than sin. Even lesbians don't like them. KILL HER!

Miss Arizona: You're a sick, little, fat man who picks on women and turned gay because no girls would go out with him in high school! Ahhhh!!!

6:45 Now that I've weeded out all of the nonlesbians and Christians, I have found the only remaining candidate, the one who has been staring me in the all night! ME!!! I am beautiful, the most beautiful woman in the world – I mean man.

7:15 I looked absolutely stunning in the swimsuit competition! I saw a couple of guys laughing and one guy barfing into a trash can (they're all dead now) but I'm sure that the rest of American appreciates my beauty!

7:45 My evening gown was just gorgeous! I looked stunning with all of my sequins, my turquoise, my gold jewelry. I just couldn't stop looking at myself in the mirror.

8:15 So much applause, so much praise – all for me!

8:45 I won! I won! I'm the queen of the world, and President Obama even presented my trophy and asked me out. Of course, I'm too gay to even go out with guys anymore. I'm only in love with myself!

11:45: My name is Bob the janitor. I found Perez asleep in the back of the storage closet. I guess he got drunk and fell asleep before the pageant started. I thought about waking him, but he looks way too peaceful – and drunk – to wake up. I think that I'll ask Steve for some help.

11:50 Steve and I decided to play some pranks on Paris while he's asleep. We though about farting in his face, but we decided that he would like it too much. Instead, we've decided to write WWJD on his head and take pictures! Then, we might put a Bible in his hands and pose him like he's reading it.

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