Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Lance Armstrong: Miley's #1 Fan

Lance Armstrong is back in the saddle again for another shot at the Tour De France this year. But after he has tarnished his cycling legacy in Brett Favre-esque fashion, what will he be doing when next year's tour rolls around without him?

Judging by this twitter entry we pulled from the future, Lance will be watching a lot of Hannah Montana and scheming on how he can meet Miley Cyrus and rock the best of both her worlds . . .


Lance Armstrong's twitter entry for July 3, 2010
first year of Tour de France a.l. (after lance)


6:00 Nothing good on T.V. tonight and I'm sick of riding my bike around the block, so here I am on my twitter page. Win the “tour” too many times and they put you out to pasture. Ha ha ha! I just can't believe how funny I am! Seriously though, I need to find something (or “someone” maybe, huh?) to do around here.


6:15 Decided to make a milkshake. I would give you the recipe, but I don't really know what's in it myself. Mike (my lawyer) said it's better that way – the whole “lying to congress thing” that we all worry about from time to time . . .


6:45 I'm really bored, and Ashley isn't answering her phone, apparently. SICK OF THE LATE NIGHT BOOTY CALL, HUH ASHLEY? Truthfully, I can't even remember if it's her or the other one that I'm dating. They look so similar, and I'm pretty sure that I've gotten it with both of them before. I just remember feeling woozy one night . . . something about a “race of super soldiers”? It's a crazy world we live in.


Seriously though folks, have you ever wondered if a girl would have sex with a guy old enough to be her father (almost) just because he had millions of dollars and legs the size of tree trunks? I'm here to say yes, yes she would!


7:00 Cool! Hannah's on! I really never miss a show – I'm such a huge fan. Er . . . I mean . . . the story lines and acting are what I'm fans of. I mean, the problems that these girls go through in life I totally get what it's like to lead a double life – humble and underpaid athlete by day, Don Juan del Amor by night! I guess Hannah Montana and I have that in common. Seriously, we have so much in common! I'm so proud of the fine young lady that she's become! She's really grown up in front of the eyes of America, from humble beginnings as the underprivileged child of a millionaire singer to her blossoming as the underprivileged Disney channel star. It's almost like Slumdog. Almost.


7:10 Oh wow, Miley's a Sagittarius! I . . . just thought that was interesting. I . . . sometimes . . . randomly check out the signs of . . . random people . . . that I see on T.V. Oh look . . . Pauly Shore is an . . . Aquarius. That's equally interesting.


7:15 Just to clarify my last post, I'm really not into Pauly Shore. I mean, I think his movies were okay (Bio Dome kind of sucked) but, I respect him as an actor – nothing more! That's not to say that I'm into Miley either. I mean, she did look great in that Vanity Fair pic, and she's a funny, charming, full-of-life girl. Oh, Hanna is back on.


7:30 What I meant to say in that last post was that, when a friend showed me her picture, before I could look away, she looked very . . . artistic. I just wanted to give her a hug . . . as a father figure. That didn't come out quite right.


7:32 Alright, alright, I'll just admit it. I think Miley's sexy. I mean, what's wrong with that? She takes a very nice pic – not like that Carrie Prejean girl and her “man back”. And, besides, I can think a woman is sexy. It doesn't mean that I want to have sex with her. I can think anyone is sexy. I mean, I think that lots of women are sexy. For example . . . Judy Dench – very sexy woman. Yeah, very. I wouldn't date her – but someone should. I'M FRICKIN LANCE ARMSTRONG. I have like -2% body fat! Come on, which one would you make out with, Ashley (or whatever) Olson or an 85 year old woman? Still, I do have a broad range of girls I'm attracted to – Hillary Duff (kind of old but still hot), Megan Fox, Hayden Panettiere. I'll date anyone between the ages of 18 and . . . at least, like 24 or 25. I might even be talked into 26 or 27 (after a couple of drinks, lol!). Like Natalie Portman, yeah, I'd throw that, Vanessa Hudgens – probably, Dakota Fanning, why not!


7:40 That last one kind of slipped out. What I meant to say was I highly respect Dakota and I would like to work with her on any project. I – I couldn't do anything even if I wanted to anyway. It's . . . it's not like we're in Arkansas or anything. Yeah . . . I wonder if those rumors about Arkansas are true? Nah! At least, I'm sure they're not true. Probably, definitely, maybe not true. Nope.


Where's Mike's number again?


8:00 Well, yeah, just got the text back from Mike. Definitely NOT TRUE! So, we don't have to worry about that anymore! And here I was, worried for all the young hot Dakota Fannings there – worried that the Lance Armstrongs of the world . . . but we don't have to worry about that anymore. Now, if we were in Mexico, then we might have to worry about it. I mean, ANYTHING GOES down there! That's the rumor, anything . . .


Mike's going to earn his paycheck tonight . . .


8:30 Just heard back from Mike. No, it's not true there either. And, apparently, you can be “prosecuted” for things even if you're not in the U.S. at the time you do them. Who the F--- thought of that law? Not that I care or anything – just saying. I mean, there's ugly Betty down there. She's at least better than Sheryl “Crow-eyes”. I thought of that one myself!


9:00 WTF?! Phelps! Why are you trollin' my blog man? Just because I said your b* was ugly! Well, she is! Her breasts – mine are bigger than that, even after the implants! And, how many bottles of peroxide does she use a day, huh? And, I bet she has toe fungus! Yeah! Who's the one that got pwned this time, huh? How do you like me now, huh Phelps?


9:30 Just got through watching Sailor Moon, volumes 3 and 4. I really like the stories in Sailor Moon. I find the plots so suspenseful . . . and deep . . . and suspenseful . . .


Hey, I know what all my readers are thinking – it's not like that at all! It has nothing at all to do with whether Sailor Venus ends up with Tuxedo Mask or Starlight. I find that way more compelling than something like Schindler's List. When I watched volume 4, I literally cried. I really don't like Anime for all of the stereotypical reasons about teenage girl fetish and all that. When I first saw Sailor Moon, I was like, “Is this girl 40, or 55?” I didn't know. I don't really pay attention to things like that.


9:40 Reading online that there's a 5th volume out! Apparently, it was unrated in Japan – something about a scene between Mercury and Mars . . . not that I care . . .


Wow, I'm beat! OFF TO BED!!!


(video store closes at 10:00)



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40 comments:

  1. Lance,

    I don't know how else to put this, but . . . you can't do that in Arkansas or anywhere else in the U.S. I don't know where that rumor comes from . . .

    Respectfully,

    Mike

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lance,

    Hey, it's Mike again. You can't do that in Mexico either. Yeah, sorry, it's illegal there too. And, even if you could, you could still get prosecuted in the U.S. for it once you got back.

    Have a good one,

    Mike

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yo, Armstrong,

    This blog SUCKS!!! No one wants to hear about your LOSER life. Miley doesn't even know you exist man. And, if she did, she'd want to go out with guys her own age, not a 40 year old bone job.

    Oh, remind me again, how many gold have you won?

    Phelps#1Fan

    ReplyDelete
  4. Phelps,

    Dude, why do you have to keep trollin' my blog? Don't you have something else to do tonight? Oh yeah, that's right -- you're dating Carrie. So, what do you guys do for your dates? Read the Bible? Watch reruns of Crossroads? She's not that into you, Phelps.

    --LiveStrongLoveWrong

    ReplyDelete
  5. Lance,

    In answer to your last IM, yes I've double checked and NO it isn't legal in Mexico, not even if you buy off the president. Hope this helps.

    Respectfully,

    Mike

    ReplyDelete
  6. Armstrong,

    Carrie is twice the woman you'll ever be. She's sweet, kind, pretty, and a generous soul. Jealous much? Yeah, we all saw the last one YOU dated. I think she really did need to "soak up the sun" a little more. Carrie? She's got a FULL tan, man!

    Well, I guess. She's never let me see. Yeah, so that's cool though -- I can wait. I mean, it's not like I'd want that kind of thing anyway. What guy does?

    And, why do people always have to trash on Crossroads? It's not a bad show. The music's good. So what if we watch it?

    -Phelps#1Fan

    ReplyDelete
  7. -Phelps,

    This is too funny man! Yeah, Carrie's waiting . . . blah, blah, blah. In my experience, it's not that she won't do it -- she just won't do it with you.

    And, yeah, she does have a fully body tan.

    -LiveStrongLoveWrong

    ReplyDelete
  8. Both,

    You guys are so wrong! My Mom is WAY better. I mean, if girls were like cars that turned into things, she would be like the Ferrari that turned into a Destroyamatron, and yours would be the golf cart that turned into the toaster.

    -HomeBoyForever

    ReplyDelete
  9. SHUT UP LABEOUF!

    -LiveStrongLoveWrong

    ReplyDelete
  10. PISS OFF LEBEOUF!!!

    The only reason you exist was that your Dad couldn't run faster than your Mom 20 years ago.

    -Phelps#1Fan

    ReplyDelete
  11. Armstrong,

    You're bluffing! Carrie wouldn't give you the time of day.

    -Phelps#1Fan

    ReplyDelete
  12. Phelps,

    Yeah, just keep tellin' yourself that! You ever check your girls IM's?

    -LiveStrongLoveWrong

    ReplyDelete
  13. Armstrong,

    You're full of #$%&

    -Phelps#1Fan

    ReplyDelete
  14. Lance,

    Baby, you weren't supposed to tell anyone about that, remember? That picture was for you . . . as kind of a "thanks for the unforgettable weekend" thing. We, I mean I, um, was very drunk and on the rebound.

    Still, if you ever need help again "testing out a new bike", look me up on Facebook ;)

    xoxo

    -NaiveModel

    ReplyDelete
  15. Carrie,

    Is this true?

    -Phelps#1Fan

    ReplyDelete
  16. Michael,

    I don't really remember what happened that well. It's -- it's all a little blurry. I was just having a good time, and we, Lance and I, got to talking, and . . . I think we might have kissed or something. I don't really remember, to be honest. It's not a big deal, is it?

    -NaiveModel

    ReplyDelete
  17. Phelps,

    I remember the night! Yeah, she tucked down a few at a party we were both at. Next thing I know, she's asking me to come upstairs so she could "see my bike". I didn't catch on at first until she asked if she could "work on it". I told her that we were at a friend's house, and she told me she didn't mean my bike.

    -LiveStrongLoveWrong

    ReplyDelete
  18. -Carrie

    Sl^t

    -Phelps#1Fan

    ReplyDelete
  19. You guys are both jerks. Later!

    -NaiveModel

    ReplyDelete
  20. Carrie,

    But, I still love you. I forgive you. You were drunk!

    -Phelps#1Fan

    ReplyDelete
  21. -Michael

    You're a sweet guy, but . . YOU'RE WEIRD LOOKING! Your arms are way too long for your body! I guess it makes you a great swimmer, but I don't want to have my kids swinging through the trees.

    -NaiveModel

    ReplyDelete
  22. CARRIE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

    -Phelps#1Fan

    ReplyDelete
  23. Phelps,

    Let her go man! She's not worth it. That's why I like 'em young. The old ones -- not worth the drama. I hear Miley's got a cousin that's pretty hot.

    -LiveStrongLoveWrong

    ReplyDelete
  24. Mike,

    You still awake man? I got one more for ya. I'm IMing you now.

    -LiveStrongLoveWrong

    ReplyDelete
  25. Mr. Armstrong,

    Yes, you're right (sigh). You cannot be arrested for cartoons. Even so, you might want that checked out at some point. I'm not really sure if I'm comfortable . . .

    On second thought, I get paid either way. Enjoy your anime!

    -Mike

    ReplyDelete
  26. BOY HOWDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    -LiveStrongLoveWrong

    ReplyDelete

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