Future Twit: Lance Armstrong: Miley's #1 Fan

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Lance Armstrong: Miley's #1 Fan

Lance Armstrong is back in the saddle again for another shot at the Tour De France this year. But after he has tarnished his cycling legacy in Brett Favre-esque fashion, what will he be doing when next year's tour rolls around without him?

Judging by this twitter entry we pulled from the future, Lance will be watching a lot of Hannah Montana and scheming on how he can meet Miley Cyrus and rock the best of both her worlds . . .

Lance Armstrong's twitter entry for July 3, 2010
first year of Tour de France a.l. (after lance)

6:00 Nothing good on T.V. tonight and I'm sick of riding my bike around the block, so here I am on my twitter page. Win the “tour” too many times and they put you out to pasture. Ha ha ha! I just can't believe how funny I am! Seriously though, I need to find something (or “someone” maybe, huh?) to do around here.

6:15 Decided to make a milkshake. I would give you the recipe, but I don't really know what's in it myself. Mike (my lawyer) said it's better that way – the whole “lying to congress thing” that we all worry about from time to time . . .

6:45 I'm really bored, and Ashley isn't answering her phone, apparently. SICK OF THE LATE NIGHT BOOTY CALL, HUH ASHLEY? Truthfully, I can't even remember if it's her or the other one that I'm dating. They look so similar, and I'm pretty sure that I've gotten it with both of them before. I just remember feeling woozy one night . . . something about a “race of super soldiers”? It's a crazy world we live in.

Seriously though folks, have you ever wondered if a girl would have sex with a guy old enough to be her father (almost) just because he had millions of dollars and legs the size of tree trunks? I'm here to say yes, yes she would!

7:00 Cool! Hannah's on! I really never miss a show – I'm such a huge fan. Er . . . I mean . . . the story lines and acting are what I'm fans of. I mean, the problems that these girls go through in life I totally get what it's like to lead a double life – humble and underpaid athlete by day, Don Juan del Amor by night! I guess Hannah Montana and I have that in common. Seriously, we have so much in common! I'm so proud of the fine young lady that she's become! She's really grown up in front of the eyes of America, from humble beginnings as the underprivileged child of a millionaire singer to her blossoming as the underprivileged Disney channel star. It's almost like Slumdog. Almost.

7:10 Oh wow, Miley's a Sagittarius! I . . . just thought that was interesting. I . . . sometimes . . . randomly check out the signs of . . . random people . . . that I see on T.V. Oh look . . . Pauly Shore is an . . . Aquarius. That's equally interesting.

7:15 Just to clarify my last post, I'm really not into Pauly Shore. I mean, I think his movies were okay (Bio Dome kind of sucked) but, I respect him as an actor – nothing more! That's not to say that I'm into Miley either. I mean, she did look great in that Vanity Fair pic, and she's a funny, charming, full-of-life girl. Oh, Hanna is back on.

7:30 What I meant to say in that last post was that, when a friend showed me her picture, before I could look away, she looked very . . . artistic. I just wanted to give her a hug . . . as a father figure. That didn't come out quite right.

7:32 Alright, alright, I'll just admit it. I think Miley's sexy. I mean, what's wrong with that? She takes a very nice pic – not like that Carrie Prejean girl and her “man back”. And, besides, I can think a woman is sexy. It doesn't mean that I want to have sex with her. I can think anyone is sexy. I mean, I think that lots of women are sexy. For example . . . Judy Dench – very sexy woman. Yeah, very. I wouldn't date her – but someone should. I'M FRICKIN LANCE ARMSTRONG. I have like -2% body fat! Come on, which one would you make out with, Ashley (or whatever) Olson or an 85 year old woman? Still, I do have a broad range of girls I'm attracted to – Hillary Duff (kind of old but still hot), Megan Fox, Hayden Panettiere. I'll date anyone between the ages of 18 and . . . at least, like 24 or 25. I might even be talked into 26 or 27 (after a couple of drinks, lol!). Like Natalie Portman, yeah, I'd throw that, Vanessa Hudgens – probably, Dakota Fanning, why not!

7:40 That last one kind of slipped out. What I meant to say was I highly respect Dakota and I would like to work with her on any project. I – I couldn't do anything even if I wanted to anyway. It's . . . it's not like we're in Arkansas or anything. Yeah . . . I wonder if those rumors about Arkansas are true? Nah! At least, I'm sure they're not true. Probably, definitely, maybe not true. Nope.

Where's Mike's number again?

8:00 Well, yeah, just got the text back from Mike. Definitely NOT TRUE! So, we don't have to worry about that anymore! And here I was, worried for all the young hot Dakota Fannings there – worried that the Lance Armstrongs of the world . . . but we don't have to worry about that anymore. Now, if we were in Mexico, then we might have to worry about it. I mean, ANYTHING GOES down there! That's the rumor, anything . . .

Mike's going to earn his paycheck tonight . . .

8:30 Just heard back from Mike. No, it's not true there either. And, apparently, you can be “prosecuted” for things even if you're not in the U.S. at the time you do them. Who the F--- thought of that law? Not that I care or anything – just saying. I mean, there's ugly Betty down there. She's at least better than Sheryl “Crow-eyes”. I thought of that one myself!

9:00 WTF?! Phelps! Why are you trollin' my blog man? Just because I said your b* was ugly! Well, she is! Her breasts – mine are bigger than that, even after the implants! And, how many bottles of peroxide does she use a day, huh? And, I bet she has toe fungus! Yeah! Who's the one that got pwned this time, huh? How do you like me now, huh Phelps?

9:30 Just got through watching Sailor Moon, volumes 3 and 4. I really like the stories in Sailor Moon. I find the plots so suspenseful . . . and deep . . . and suspenseful . . .

Hey, I know what all my readers are thinking – it's not like that at all! It has nothing at all to do with whether Sailor Venus ends up with Tuxedo Mask or Starlight. I find that way more compelling than something like Schindler's List. When I watched volume 4, I literally cried. I really don't like Anime for all of the stereotypical reasons about teenage girl fetish and all that. When I first saw Sailor Moon, I was like, “Is this girl 40, or 55?” I didn't know. I don't really pay attention to things like that.

9:40 Reading online that there's a 5th volume out! Apparently, it was unrated in Japan – something about a scene between Mercury and Mars . . . not that I care . . .

Wow, I'm beat! OFF TO BED!!!

(video store closes at 10:00)