Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Ann Coulter's Biography

Future Twits has peered into the future and found Ann Coulter working to ensure her place in "history"

10:10 @QueenOfDamned: I have contacted the History channel to come to my mansion and write my full biography: "Ann Coulter: I'm not Satan, a zombie, or a closet lesbian (I think)". Unfortunately, they couldn't be bothered, and so Ricardo from Telemundo is coming over.

10:20 @QueenOfDamned: Strike that, Telemundo is too high class for this project and they've been replaced by Teleritmo. 9 out of 10 Mexicans can't tell the difference.

11:00 @QueenOfDamned: Ricardo has arrived. I'll be tweeting out excerpts from my dictation so that my many, er, three followers can hear the exciting accounts in real time.

My first experience hating liberals came with a childhood crush that I had on the son of a hippie couple from my middle school, Kevin. I loved him, but he dumped me for another hippie named Rainbow -- even though I let him go to third base.

@QueenOfDamned: Are you getting that, Ricardo?

@BeanBurrito: Si, senor. Algo . . . algo . . . fajo con su tio Kevin, su papa, su hijo, ademas, ademas. Continue, please, senor.

However, I credit these rejections -- and a failed experiment in a cult -- with shaping me into the person I am: a bitter, obnoxious woman with a bad boob job and a deep seated hatred of everything not rich, white, and American.

@BeanBurrito: Algo, algo, Ella es una puta . . . una que fuma marijuana y crack y quiere que yo toce sus pechitos. Pero, tengo principios: no hombres.

@QueenofDamned: I'm sorry; Glen is here for my 2 o'clock and I have to finish shoving his face in that pile of used socks. Can you come back.

@BeanBurrito: Prefiero que me muera. Si, senor.

Some Coulter videos:

Another Natalie Portman



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