Breaking News: Lone Gun Walks into a Bar, Kills Fifty
A lone gun, depressed about the prospects of new gun
control, has walked into a suburban bar, killing 50 and wounding 127 more.
Police have refused to release a statement, pending the notification of the families
of the victims.
“It was horrific,” recounted one woman. “One moment, the gun
was just sitting there on the table. The next, it was wildly flying around in
the air, shooting everyone and everything that moved. I even saw it jump up,
fly around the room in a private helicopter, and shoot people from the sky. I
was completely terrified.
John Crackernuts, spokesperson for the Brady Campaign to
Prevent Gun violence, observed, “This is yet another instance of guns acting
out violently. When is America going to wake up and realize that these guns
need to be controlled so that the killing will stop? After all, it is the gun’s
fault in situations like this one. The gun acted on its own, as is always the
case – autonomously. It just flew through the air killing people, just like
what has happened in every shooting before and will happen again unless we
start executing people who want to buy guns.”
The official spokesperson of the NRA, the ghost of Charlton
Heston, had this to say about the shooting, “The problem is not that we need
fewer guns on the street but more guns, more and more guns. We need guns in the
schools, guns in the bars, guns on the sidewalks, even guns in the nursery.
Hell, if I go to a school and don’t see a bazooka in the hands of every
toddler, I get a little worried. What if one some rogue bazooka decides to
shoot up the school? Who will protect our little ones if not other bazookas at
the school? If you want to take the bazooka from my toddler, you will have to
take it out of his cold dead hands! Oh … I mean mine … or something.”
When President Obama was asked about the incident, he
remarked, “Well, uh, I uh, feel that, uh, we should, uh, evaluate, uh, the
options, uh, that we, uh, have available, uh, in this, uh, situation, uh, and,
uh, act, uh, accordingly. I mean, uh, on the one hand, uh, there, uh, is a, uh,
need to, uh, have greater, uh, gun control, uh, but, uh, at, uh, the same time,
uh, we, uh, should, uh, respect, uh, the rights, uh, of citizens, uh, uh, uh,
uh, …” At this point, the president seemed to have a meltdown and was sent back
to the factory for further repairs.
Unfortunately, Mitt Romney has gained the trait of “drooling
moron” and thus could not be reached for comment.
Also present in the bar was a young white male intent on
doing people in the bar bodily harm. When questioned, police blamed his
murderous aspirations on the media, the Batman movies, video games, his
psychiatrist, Marilyn Manson, his parents, the NRA, the liberals, the
conservatives, face paint, medical school, and global warming.
