Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Seven Secrets of a Highly Asinine Blog Post

Suck (film)Image via Wikipedia
Have you ever wondered how to take you blog and suck the life out of it with post after post of asinine content? Well, if you have, read on. If you haven't ... go get high or something.

1. Make lists: Everybody these days needs a list to understand life, especially with how badly public education has failed modern students. If any of your points can't be summarized into a four or less words bullet point, you're putting way too much effort into your writing.

2. Restate the obvious: When people want to know about something in life, they don't want to read the thoughts of someone who did their research and thought about the topic for a long time before writing. They want someone to tell them facts that would have taken them less than five seconds to figure out on their own. If you're writing a how-to entry -- say about how to put on a door knob or something --, be sure to write: "Read the directions" at least once in your post. After all, if someone can't figure out how to do something, the last thing they'd thing to do is read the directions.

3. Stay vague -- very vague: If you want to make your posts especially annoying, make sure to put tons of generalities in them. Don't give specific, useful information, like telling someone to increase pageviews on old blog entries by using the Tweet Random feature and to tweet out their old blog posts at least 4 or more times per day. Such specific information is way, way too useful. Instead, try to stay as nebulous as possible by chanting slogans like "use Twitter" or "write good content". If anyone one looks for specific advice on how to do this, be sure to back up these general statements with more general statements, like "To write good content, be creative and write about things that you know". If all else fails, just fall back onto point number two.

4. Put ads everywhere: Believe it or not, folks really don't visit your blog to be entertained or to read useful things. They click on your blog mainly for the purpose of clicking on your ads. So, make sure to stuff ads literally EVERYWHERE in your posts. Follow this up by putting in-text affiliate links to some piece-of-crap product that nobody wants to buy or that is an obvious scam ("Make 10 million dollars online your first year, 100% guaranteed!). It really helps people to facepalm when they read your posts.

5. Rip off content: If all else fails, just rip off the content of another blog. Don't worry about obvious copy right violations and lawsuits to follow. Just make sure to scan/reblog/"borrow" as much crap as you can from as many sources as you can and you'll be fine.

6. Write crap English: If your native language isn't English and you are some peasant farmer in Indonesia making 4$ a day, then blogging is obviously the job for you! This way, you can write difficult to decipher sentences, like: "Friend, I share with your kind affiliate link of highest honour. You should be kind to receive and click link for profits in fast time." Sound completely natural and native to me.

Well, that's a summary of a few ways to write asinine blog posts. If you think of any ways I missed (or if you think I'm an ass), be sure to let me know in the comments section.
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