Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Keith Olbermann -- Worst Person on Television




Ah, Keith Olbermann. I hesitate to call him a prick (it's part of a man) or a douchebag (it has a good chance of being close to a woman), but I have to call him . . . something.

In any case, Future Twits has been honored with an exclusive interview from this faggy momma's boy. Enjoy.

@Moderator: We here at Future Twits are very privileged to have Keith Olbermann with us today in the studio.

@PhatSnob: I hate Bill-O

@Moderator: Hold on there, Slick! Let me start out by asking you a question. One of the staples of your program every week is a segment called “The Worst Person in the World” where you name different people that have done things that you disapprove of during that week and then post their picture and a short description of why you think that they're such a bad person, correct?

@PhatSnob: I hate Rush Limbaugh.

@Moderator: That's nice. Now, my question to you is this: you don't literally mean that these people are the “worst people in the world”, do you? I mean, if I was going to make a list of the three worst people in the world, I'm pretty sure that no one that you've ever mentioned in any of your segments would be on there. Even though I don't agree with all of the politics of people like Glenn Beck, Lou Dobbs, George Bush, etc., I still think that they're probably okay people in real life; and they certainly don't count as among the world's worst three people – probably not even in the top 100.

@PhatSnob: I hate Bush-wacker.

@Moderator: Right. Got that already. So . . . my list of world's worst people would include dictators like Kim Jong Il, Robert Mugabe, and Omar Hassan al-Bashir – all of whom have let millions of their own citizens starve to death for political reasons. After them, I might throw some ordinary criminals onto the list, like serial killers or child molesters. I might even be tempted to throw on a few people like Bernard Madoff, who stole billions and ruined thousands of people's lives. But, even there, I would feel a little bit inhibited because I don't know these people like God does.

@PhatSnob: God! That's another of the worlds worst people . . . if he existed, that is.

@Moderator: Uh huh. Let me ask you something, KO. Do you have brain damage by any chance? You seem very prone to outburst, and it's one of the classical signs of head trauma.

@PhatSnob: *sob It's true! I was at a gay parade, and I got my head stepped on by a big burly from Vermont.

@Moderator: Wait, how did you get your head stepped on . . . actually, don't answer that. I don't think that I want to know.

@Moderator: KO, don't you think your rhetoric might be a bit over the top though? Except for the small contingent of hard core lesbians that watch your show every night, I doubt that the the rest of the small audience that you have really appreciates that level of exaggeration – which might be the reason MSNBC is losing ground so quickly to Fox and CNN.

@PhatSnob: I hate everyone who has children, or loves Jesus, or . . .

@Moderator: You know what? I'm just going to put you out of your misery right now, KO. Someone get the phenobarbital and vodka!

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