Monday, June 1, 2009

George Tiller, Satan's Pet






Dante and Virgil in HellImage via Wikipedia
Ah, George Tiller ... the infamous abortion doctor. Killer of unborn fetuses. His life was spent using scalpels, saws, nine-irons anvils and whatever else he could get his hands on to cull the herd of humanity. In other words, a real American hero. Just ask the liberal media.

So what is Tiller's reward in the afterlife? Let's just say he and Satan enjoy a "crappy" relationship. Or so a future twitter entry from the ghost of Tiller tells us. We didn't know the Twitter craze reached the depths of Hell, but I guess they are entering the digital age beyond this world too.

Read on. But skip dinner with ol' George if you know what's good for you.


Future twitter entry for George Tiller for June 6, 2015 (6/6/1+5=6)


12:30 pm Well, I'm back in the saddle again! My wife has already started dating some other guy, so I guess that makes me single too!


Satan has graciously allowed me to use his laptop and wireless internet connection during my lunch break today. Attempts to contact people through haunting, seances, and bad dream to the neighbors kid all failed, so I decided to try technology.


12:35 It's really not as bad here in hell as I thought it would be. I mean, there's the burning, the endless torture, and the fact that Satan shoves my face into a bucket of crap all day, every day, but then there is the personal aspect to it too. Satan and I really get along well. We always had a close working relationship, but, now that I'm dead, I've really gotten to know him on a personal level.


12:45 It looks like I've got an eligible female responding to my twits. I'll post the convo so that everyone can see.


@BabyRipper66 Hey, how's it going? A/S/L?


@SwollenMomma 28/F/CA. U?


@BabyRipper66 I'll leave that a mystery for the moment ;)


@SwollenMomma Okay, that's fine. I respect that. So, what do you do for a living?


@BabyRipper66 Back in the day, I would take baby fetuses and pop their heads out, crush their skull in, and then vaccum out the remains. Or, if I couldn't do that for some reason, I would tear off their arms and legs and then yank them out of the womb in small pieces.


@SwollenMomma What?!!!!!


@BabyRipper66 Sorry – dog ran across keyboard. I'm, a doctor.


@SwollenMomma Cool! Well, you probably wouldn't want to go out with me then. I'm 8 months and 3 weeks pregnant. I was married, and my husband walked out on me before either of us knew. Oh well, that's life. I'm going to the hospital for delivery later today.


@Today, huh? Well, that doesn't leave us much time. Come by my office as soon as you can. Damn this hell – no scalpels. Oh wait, I think Satan has a hacksaw that he keeps in back here. Now, if I can just figure out a way to get the babies head out . . . so I can start sawing.


@SwollenMomma You wanna do that to my baby? You're a sick pervert! $%!# off!


@BabyRipper66 Damn. It seemed like things were going so well.



@BigRedone Well, back to the bucket of crap George. I think that you're going to really enjoy this. I ate at that Mexican place I've been telling you about last night, and the aroma in that bucket right now is just exquisite! See if you can tell if I had the chicken or the pork.



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4 comments:

  1. Tweets can't be more than 140 characters, you goof.

    ReplyDelete
  2. @Moderator --

    Dear friendly ghost,

    I know that twits can only be 140 characters long. Since this is a parody site, I take some liberties with how closely I follow the "twitter" model. There really isn't much that can be said in 140 characters. I could just have each character posting when they ate a piece of bread, saying they arrived at work, or talking about how many holes their socks have in them. But that is about as inane and irrelevant as, well . . .

    . . . as Twitter.

    ReplyDelete

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